


Looking for Hope

by simpletwist (1treehill)



Category: Looking (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-04 21:39:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14602275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1treehill/pseuds/simpletwist
Summary: Following the events of the "Looking" movie, Patrick Murray and Richie Donado decide to wait six months before committing. But a terrible incident comes between them. And Kevin Matheson finds a way to help Patrick recover.





	1. Six Months

**Author's Note:**

> I loved "Looking," and first I was Team Richie. But after the movie, I became Team Kevin because clearly the poor man was still besotted with Patrick. And who could blame him? I know I'm breaking the rule of "Looking" in that usually nothing very dramatic happens. But I wanted to put these characters to the test.

Patrick Murray and Richie Donado left Orphan Andy’s and wandered around the city all night and all morning, talking about where they were in their lives and about their plans individually and together. They walked by a neighborhood coffee shop just as it was opening and had coffee and a pastry together and finalized their immediate plans. By then it was 8:30 a.m. and they were both admittedly a bit logy.

“So, can you believe this, Richie? Where were we both 24 hours ago? In your case, with a different person and completely different plans. It’s just fucking unbelievable. God, I’m tired,” Patrick said. 

Richie smiled at Patrick’s typically unedited stream of conversation and answered, “That’s life, isn’t it? At least with you, Pato. Drama seems to follow you. Well, drama and me.”

Richie sobered and continued, “I’m not like you though. You know that. I can’t just jump into situations, change my life completely overnight. That’s why I think our plan is a good one.”

Patrick forced himself to be serious, for Richie’s sake, even though he was still feeling high and happy from the whole evening. “What about dating? Are we agreeing to wait, stay celibate?”

Richie paused and considered. “Six months is a long time. I mean, we just got back together last night. Brady and I just broke up. I don’t know how realistic or even good it would be to agree not to see other people.”

“Right. And you being in Texas, me here in San Francisco,” Patrick said. Then he looked a bit wistful. “But right now, I feel like I could make that promise though, that you’re the one for me and I can wait.”

Richie laughed fondly. “Of course you feel that way. You’re Patrick Murray, and you’ve been awake all night.”

Patrick joined in the laughter. “Totally! I’m so excited. I feel like I’ve been given a second chance, so yeah, shit, I’m happy and feeling optimistic.”

Richie reached out his hand and grabbed Patrick’s. “Sweetie, I understand. But we’re on a high right now. Things will settle down soon. I need to get my shit together, and I’m hoping that will happen while I’m in Texas.”

“But I’m still willing to go with you,” Patrick interrupted. “That could be our next adventure.”

“Pato, I know you’d go with me, but you in Texas? I don’t know. And I need to figure things out alone. Plus, we decided you’re gonna take that great job at MDG Kevin offered you. You love this city, and this is a great opportunity.”

“But you promise to come back, right?” Patrick asked seriously.

“Yes, Patrick, that’s the plan. The time apart will be good for both of us though. Get our thoughts clear. And you’ll be back with Dom and Agustine, the three amigos.”

“I’ll miss you though. I feel like I just got you back and now you’re leaving,” Patrick said sadly.

“I’ll miss you too, Pato. But that’s good. When I come back to Frisco, we’ll both know for sure it’s the right choice.”

“I love you, Richie,” Patrick said with the sweetest smile. At that moment, Richie thought Patrick was the most beautiful man he’d ever seen, even though he was clearly worn out, dark circles starting to show under his blue eyes.

“Love you too, Pato. Now let’s both get some sleep. I’ll call you before I leave. And I’ll see you in six months.” Richie stood up, walked to the other side of the table and gave Patrick a long, sweet, deep kiss. Patrick returned the kiss with passion and a bit of desperation. 

“Are you sure I can’t come home with you?” Patrick asked hopefully.

“You know that Brady still has some of his stuff at my place. It’s not a good idea. Just be patient, all right?” Then Richie gave Patrick a heated look and left the coffee shop.

Patrick woke up suddenly, unclear as to his surroundings. He noticed a photo of Dom and Doris on the wall and it instantly grounded him. And then he remembered Richie and their night spent walking and talking and he couldn’t help but smile. He looked at the clock on the side table. 4:15 p.m. Patrick couldn’t believe how his life had changed since he arrived in San Francisco for Agustine and Eddie’s wedding. The previous nine months in Denver left him feeling so stable, so grown up and yet so unmoored. Maybe Kevin was right when he accused him of running away. Patrick had thought he was being so brave when he moved in and out of Kevin’s monolithic apartment in one day and transferred his whole life back to Denver. He also felt lucky to have avoided what seemed like a terrible mistake. And when he met up with Richie last night, all those brave decisions seemed like the right ones because they had led him back into Richie Donado’s arms.

And yet, his meeting with Kevin haunted him. The kiss Kevin gave him as a good-bye, Kevin’s beyond kind job offer made solely because, as Kevin said, he loved Patrick. And Kevin’s accusation of cowardice on Patrick’s part— that Patrick had never even tried to make their relationship work, that he had childishly run away, back home. That had hurt, mostly because Patrick sensed a lot of truth in Kevin’s words.

But why was he thinking about Kevin now? He and Richie had made a new start. No promises were made. They knew better. But it was an agreement of sorts. After six months in Texas, Richie would return to San Francisco, for Patrick. Then they would see if they could make their relationship work. They would try, at least. And suddenly Patrick didn’t feel so alone in the world.

Patrick heard the front door open and close and knew that Dom had returned from whatever errands he had run. He felt fresh fondness for his old friend and gratitude for his hospitality. But now he had to ask for an extension on that hospitality. Patrick certainly did not want to move in with the newlyweds Agustine and Eddie for the next six months.

Dom, Patrick and Doris met up at a diner for dinner later that day.

“So, are you pregnant yet?” Dom asked Doris with a grin.

“Yes, Dom, that’s how it works. I decide one night and become with child the next,” Doris responded with an eye roll. “Malik is a miracle worker. He fulfills all my demands instantly.”

“I can just see you as a mom, Doris,” Patrick said. “Well, not my mom, but a fag hag sarcastic version of a mom. I mean, you’ve practically raised me and Agustine for the past eight years.”

“And how proud I am,” Doris said, laughing. “One married off and the other practically settled down.”

Patrick stopped her. “Not so quick. Richie and I aren’t officially back together yet. We’re unofficially on a little six-month break, after which we will officially try again.”

“Whatever,” Doris said. “I’m one to talk about rebounds. I’m happy for you and Richie. I like you two together.”

“You mean you like Richie and me together better than Kevin and me,” Patrick clarified. “I get it.”

Dom took a bite of his pasta and said, muffled, “I think the best thing is this six months of no-strings-attached freedom. Who knows. You could meet someone new, someone that doesn’t come with any emotional baggage.”

Doris and Patrick stopped eating at that statement. Patrick narrowed his eyes at Dom and said, “That sounds somewhat less than supportive, Dom. I thought you liked Richie.”

“I do!” Dom insisted. “I love Richie. He’s a great guy. But you two have a lot of history together, and some of it isn’t pleasant. And you guys together is all tied up with you and Kevin, which is the proverbial can of worms.”

Patrick looked down at his plate. “I know, I know. You’re right. I’m not saying I won’t be open to somebody new knocking me off my feet. But right now, today, I’m excited about Richie and me as a couple. Last night was just so great. Except for the no-sex part, it was one of the most… romantic nights of my life.”

“Dom’s just worried about you, Patrick. You’re like his little brother from another mother. He’s gotta take care of you,” Doris added.

“I want you to be happy, Paddy. You tend to sabotage that for yourself, you know,” Dom said.

“That’s the old Paddy. I keep trying to tell you guys. The new Paddy only wants what’s best for himself.”

“Then how about going out with us next Saturday? Agustine and Eddie will be out of their love cocoon by then, and we can all go clubbing,” Dom suggested.

“Not me,” Doris said. “By next weekend I’ll be in labor, so I’ll be a bit busy.”

Patrick thought for a moment. “Well, I’ll be back from Denver by then with the rest of my clothes. So why not? And, Dom, thanks again for letting me stay. I swear, if Richie and I don’t work out when he comes back, I will find my own apartment.”

“No worries,” Dom said. “It’s nice having you around. Just know there may be nights you’ll have to make yourself scarce or at least stick to your room.”

“I used to live with Agustine,” Patrick responded. “I know how this works. You and Jake will never know I’m there. Or you and whoever it may be.”

Dom actually looked insulted. “I’m a new man too, Paddy. Lately I’m more likely to be alone for the night.”

“Maybe you’ll meet somebody new too,” Patrick said warmly, and Dom gave him a matching look.

Patrick spent the week in Denver packing and making calls. Many calls to Richie, who was settling into his cousin’s house in El Paso. And a very awkward phone call to Kevin to accept the job he offered at their last meeting.

“Hi, Kevin. Um, it’s Patrick.”

“Yeah, Patrick. I have caller ID. What’s up?”

“I wasn’t sure if that job offer was still available, and I know you told me to just e-mail you, but I’ve decided to move back to San Francisco and wondered if it was still open.”

“Of course, Patrick. I wasn’t baiting you. Just give me the go, and I will set things in motion for you. I’m leaving for London in a few weeks, but I’ll be back now and again to tie up loose ends.”

“Yes, I definitely would like to take you up on your generous offer. And, Kevin, thank you so much.”

“It’s okay. I’ll call you back in a few days with the details. You best call Owen in the meantime, give him a heads-up.”

“Yeah. I could even maybe call Meredith.”

There was silence on the phone.

“I’m kidding, Kevin. She’ll just have to deal.”

“Yes, indeed. Okay. Um, take care, Patrick. Talk to you soon.”

“Bye, Kevin. And thank you again.”

Relieved that that was over with, Patrick turned to writing his letter of resignation for his Denver job.

This time, when Patrick arrived at SFO, he really felt like he was coming home. The sun was out, cutting through the puffy white clouds, and a cool breeze blew through his still-growing-out hair. It even smelled like home. He made his way to Dom’s place by cab and then by BART, and finally by walking the last few blocks, with two large suitcases. The rest of his possessions were either staying with his parents or being shipped so he could store it in Dom’s house.

Kevin was true to his word and had called just before Patrick flew out of Denver and explained exactly what the job entailed. Not that Patrick was surprised by any of it, having watched Kevin do the job for a few years. Patrick was nervous, never really having had any management experience, but felt like he was ready. Patrick 2.0 needed a new position to go with his fresh attitude and newfound maturity.

Saturday came around quickly, and the night started with dinner at Kitchen Story, a real treat for the gang. Dom brought Jake. Eddie and Agustine were there. Doris stayed away, saying she wasn’t in the mood for a boys’ night out. Halfway through the meal, a friend of Agustine’s named Chris joined them, much to Patrick’s confusion. Noticing the pairing off of the rest of the party, he felt distinctly set up. 

Agustine had met Chris at an art exhibit, but barely knew him. He was about Dom’s age and fairly attractive. Patrick just wasn’t feeling up to whatever this was though. He wanted to simply hang with his friends, with no romantic pressure. But he decided to be a good sport about it and be friendly and enjoy everyone’s company.

The meal was wonderful and everyone was in a good mood, so Agustine was able to convince Patrick to go to The Stud for drinks and dancing. And drink they did. It felt good for Patrick to totally let go. He was between jobs, between men, freshly moved back from one city to another. It felt like pure freedom. He thought, maybe 30 would be the start of the next portion of his life, the one he was starting to consider as the prime of his life.

But Saturday was for having fun and not thinking. Chris was definitely showing some serious interest in him. Patrick didn’t feel the same pull, but he couldn’t help but enjoy the attention.

“So, Patrick, how old are you? It’s hard to tell. You look either 15 or 30.” Chris said, his slurred words showing how inebriated he was becoming.

“I just turned 30,” Patrick answered with a smile. “The big 3-0. I thought I’d be more freaked out at being this age, but it’s really okay. I’m fine with it.”

“Well, believe me, 30 is still very young. I’m 41, so I’ve already turned the next corner,” Chris noted.

“You don’t look 41,” Patrick said kindly.

“God, you are so pretty, Patrick,” Chris said dreamily, suddenly. “Those big blue eyes, those dimples, that sexy smile. And you’ve got perfect hair.”

Patrick couldn’t help but blush, even though he figured it was mostly the alcohol talking. “Thanks, Chris. You’re very nice-looking too,” he said, laughing a bit.

They spent the night dancing, sometimes apart, sometimes quite close. Agustine nudged Dom at one point, smirking at the pair, clearly quite proud of himself. It felt good to see Patrick simply enjoying himself, not worrying about the future.

The six men closed the bar and, spirits high, and in some cases blood alcohol level even higher, they spilled out into the street. Dom and Jake went off together, with clear plans for the rest of the night, or morning. “See you cocksuckers later,” Dom shouted, looking pointedly at Patrick.

Patrick was completely sober and had understood the implications for him. When he announced that he would be walking home, Chris, Agustine and Eddie agreed to accompany him. Chris, inebriated and visibly besotted with Patrick, was especially adamant about walking Patrick home.

They strolled slowly, Patrick and Chris about ten feet ahead of the newlyweds, who were holding hands and whispering quietly to each other.

Patrick was beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable with Chris. Outside the bar, the man’s drunken state seemed exaggerated. He was louder, more forward, more rude. And he was making his feelings for Patrick all too clear.

“Paddy,” Chris slurred. “Can I call you Paddy? I noticed Dom called you that all night. I love it.”

Patrick wished he could head home to Dom’s place, but knew he had to buy Dom and Jake some time, so decided to put up with Chris. “Sure. You can call me Paddy.”

“I had a great time tonight, Paddy,” Chris continued, as he leaned annoyingly close to Patrick’s face. “I had a great time with you. And I don’t want this night to end. Will you come home with me?”

Patrick sighed and answered, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Chris. We don’t really know each other very well. And I’m really tired. Maybe some other time.”

Chris looked slightly angry, but pushed on ahead. “It’s not like I’m asking you to marry me, man. Agustine told me you’re okay with the casual thing.”

“He what?” Patrick asked in shock.

“He said you were fucking guys right and left, no strings attached, one-night stands. That you used to be all uptight, but now you’re cool.”

Patrick frowned and said, “He said that to you? That’s totally inappropriate.” Patrick turned around and gave Agustine an angry glare.

Out of the corner of his eye, Agustine noticed Patrick’s black look. He turned to Eddie and said, “Let’s hang back a bit more. I think Patrick wants more privacy with Chris.” Then he broke into a drunken giggle fit.

Chris had his hands up in an apologetic gesture. “Sorry, Patrick. I think Agustine is as drunk as I am tonight. You know, loose lips. I just meant that you and me, it doesn’t have to be a serious thing.”

Patrick took a deep breath and tried to regain his calm. “It’s all right, Chris. I’m sorry too. I overreacted. The truth is, I’m sort of seeing somebody. We’re on a bit of a break right now, and I used to have a big hangup about open relationships, but I’m better about it now. But even so, I don’t think I could have a casual fuck.”

They had turned a corner and were walking on a street full of closed restaurants and stores, an area usually bustling with activity but now quiet and still.

“Casual fuck?” Chris asked. “If you’re not open to a casual fuck, what kind of open relationship is that?” Chris seemed angry again.

Patrick’s temper was growing too. “Chris, you’re a nice guy, but I really don’t think I owe you an explanation. This is really between me and my boyfriend.”

“So you were just teasing me all night? Is that it?” Chris asked with open hostility.

Suddenly Chris grabbed Patrick around each arm and yanked him into the driveway of a restaurant. Patrick could see the tables and chairs all set for the next day through the windows, the restaurant completely lit but also totally devoid of people.

“What the fuck are you doing? Get your hands off me!” Patrick yelled. Before he could say more, Chris threw himself at Patrick and cut off his words with violent, slobbery kisses. Patrick couldn’t believe this was happening and, annoyed, tried to push Chris off him.

Chris crushed himself into Patrick’s body even harder, grinding his leg painfully into Patrick’s crotch, hard enough that it took Patrick’s breath away. Fear began to make its way into Patrick’s system and almost instinctively he tried to knee Chris’s balls in defense but missed.

Patrick briefly wondered where Agustine and Eddie were. He couldn’t hear their footsteps on the sidewalk at all. Patrick was about to shout for help, but Chris’s lips were practically sealing his mouth shut.

Chris seemed possessed, so intent and incredibly strong. He brought one hand down in an attempt to reach into the back of Patrick’s jeans. This freed Patrick’s left arm, and he tried his best to throw a punch despite how close the other man was. His fist managed to graze Chris’s right cheek, and the man stumbled back, but only a step. Patrick was able to take a quick breath and was about to shout when Chris threw him hard to the ground. Patrick was stunned quiet for a second, and then Chris’ large body was fully on top of him, grinding the lower half of his body into Patrick while Chris swung wild punches at Patrick’s face.

Patrick felt real terror and an odd sense of embarrassment at the ridiculous situation. He couldn’t quite believe what was happening. He managed to roll a bit onto his left side, trying to avoid the creepy feeling of Chris’ erection, but couldn’t catch his breath in the midst of the punches, many of which were landing. He felt his lower lip split as a result of one punch.

Just as Patrick felt like he was close to being able to get out from under Chris’ weight, Chris grabbed Patrick’s head with both hands and with all his strength slammed it down on the concrete. Patrick blacked out instantly, but after a minute or two he was blearily aware. His vision was blurry and his body wouldn’t follow his commands. Chris seemed to be arranging him on the ground. Patrick felt cold hit his lower body. His face was pressed into the concrete. Some part of him was aware of what Chris was about to do to him, but his brain was slush. He felt fear, but like everything, it felt distant.

Patrick heard rustling behind him and Chris’ harsh breathing. Was Chris crying? Then an incredibly sharp pain in his ass and a heavy weight on his back. Patrick managed to groan loudly in pain. He knew this pain. He wanted to scream and fight, but his body just lay there and his voice was silenced. He could barely breathe with the weight on him. He wanted to cry. Or was he crying? His face felt wet, but that could be blood. When was it going to end? Fortunately, Patrick could feel consciousness leaving him. His head hurt so much.

Suddenly the weight was off him and Patrick thought he heard sobbing, then footsteps running away. Everything hurt and he was fading. Patrick thought he might be dying. That was his last thought before everything went away.

Agustine and Eddie were making out just before the turn. Agustine took a breath and said, “I think we’ve given them enough privacy. Let’s go.”

The two men turned the corner and were slightly surprised that there was no sign of either Patrick or Chris. At the pace they were walking, they should have been visible at the end of the street. They continued walking, going a bit faster at Agustine’s lead. He was starting to worry, though that seemed ridiculous.

As they passed a driveway, they heard what sounded like a quiet groan. Agustine jumped, feeling truly freaked out. But Eddie ran straight toward what looked like a body on the ground. Agustine watched as Eddie bent down and cried out in horror. Agustine had to fight the urge to run away.

“Sweetie, it’s Patrick! Oh, fuck. He’s bleeding. Call 911! Hurry!” Agustine’s hand reached into his pants pocket to retrieve his cellphone even as his brain was refusing to believe the body lying completely still on the ground could be Patrick.

“Where is he bleeding?” Agustine asked, still confused.

Agustine was nearly at Eddie’s side when the big man answered, “Oh, God. Everywhere. His head mostly. But I think he’s been raped.” Eddie started crying.

Agustine spat out all the necessary information to the 911 operator, as if he was in control of his faculties. He was amazed at himself. He was acting so calm.

He looked at Patrick, trying to take in all the horrible details. His friend was face down, but his head was turned to the side, and there were already bruises forming on his cheek and chin and his lip was bleeding. There was a disturbing pool of blood forming underneath his temple. Agustine remembered hearing a TV character once describe a head injury at the temple as the most dangerous kind. He couldn’t remember what show it was.

Eddie was bent over near the restaurant wall, still sobbing. Agustine gently reached out his hand to Patrick’s hair and he started petting it.

“Should we turn him over? Or maybe pull up his pants?” Eddie asked, clearly in shock.

“No, it’s a crime scene,” Agustine calmly replied. “It’s okay.”

Finally they heard the sirens approaching. Agustine understood Eddie’s concerns. Patrick looked so vulnerable and wounded. It didn’t seem fair that he had to be seen like this by all the strangers about to spill out of the police cars and ambulance. At the last second, he took off his leather jacket and covered the lower half of Patrick’s body with it.

Eddie pulled himself together as the paramedics set to work on Patrick, who had yet to show any signs of consciousness. Agustine wondered if they had actually heard Patrick groan earlier. It was an odd thought to occur to him at that moment. He held Patrick’s hand throughout the examination, while Eddie answered the questions from the police. He hoped that Patrick would open his eyes, let Agustine know that he was okay. But his eyes stayed stubbornly closed. The blood was everywhere, which terrified Agustine.

The paramedics gave Patrick an IV and lifted him onto a gurney. Agustine felt a wave of relief that they were moving away from the blood. He refused to let go of Patrick’s hand. It was cold, and Patrick was unconscious, but Agustine couldn’t help but hope that his friend was somehow aware that he was being taken care of, that he wasn’t alone.

Eddie let Agustine ride in the ambulance with Patrick while he walked back to their car and promised to call Patrick’s family and Dom. Agustine had to eventually let go of Patrick’s hand so the paramedics could work in the close confines of the ambulance. He tried to understand what they were saying in order to gauge Patrick’s condition. He heard “brain injury,” “anal rape,” “blood loss,” “shock,” all terrifying phrases. An oxygen mask obscured Patrick’s face, but Agustine could still see the blood coming out of his nose and the start of bruises, signs of horrible violence. Everything seemed like a nightmare. He tried to breathe deeply and slowly to maintain his calm facade. But the truth of the situation was catching up to Agustine and he began quietly crying, feeling helpless.

The arrival at the hospital emergency room was frenzied and confusing, and suddenly Agustine found himself in a waiting area, all alone. He sat in an uncomfortable plastic chair, staring at his slightly bloody hands, wondering how he picked up Patrick’s blood. Was it on Paddy’s hand? Maybe Agustine had touched Patrick’s face at some point? He couldn’t remember.

Then a nurse came out and informed Agustine that Patrick was stable, though in serious condition. He was being given a CT scan to find out how bad his brain injury was. Agustine nodded and said he understood and was told to wait and he’d be given more information as it became available.

“But he’s going to be okay, right?” Agustine asked the nurse.

“Most likely. His blood pressure, pulse are stable. But your friend is still unconscious, and we can’t say how serious the injury is, but he’s out of immediate danger for now,” the nurse told him.

Agustine thought, why can’t they just tell me Patrick is going to be all right? But he knew the answer— because they didn’t know that.

Then without any awareness of time passing, suddenly Dom was there, hugging Agustine, crying. “What happened?” he practically shouted. “No, I know what happened. But how did this happen? Who did this?”

“Dom, it had to be Chris. Eddie and I gave them some space. It was hardly 10 minutes maybe, and then we found Patrick in a pool of blood, and no Chris. Oh, God, I introduced them.” Agustine suddenly felt terribly guilty.

“Forget that for now. Did you guys tell the police?” Dom asked angrily.

“No, we decided to keep it to ourselves. God, Dom! Fuck, Eddie gave the cops Chris’ name and description. I’ve just been trying to keep up with Patrick and his condition. I’ve been alone until now.”

“Okay, okay. Calm down,” Dom said quietly. “Do you think I should call Richie in Texas?”

“Oh, shit,” Agustine said. “Yeah, that’s a good idea. Fuck, that’ll be awful.”

“No worries. I’ll do it now.” And Dom left the ER to make the call.


	2. Fractured

Patrick’s parents and sister Megan arrived. Megan was practically hysterical, sobbing in her father’s arms. Dana Murray looked as calm and classy as usual, but somewhat fragile and confused. Agustine didn’t know how to handle them and was relieved when Dom returned. Dom hugged Dana and Megan and did a good job of comforting them. Phil Murray held himself separate from everybody, constantly sighing and looking like he wished he was anywhere else but there.

A doctor finally came out of the ER to give an update on Patrick’s condition. She gravitated toward Dana and said, “Mrs. Murray? Your son is stable. We did a CT scan on his brain, and it shows a linear fracture of his skull.” Dana gasped a little, but let the doctor continue. “Patrick is in serious condition right now and he is unconscious due to the brain trauma. But we are treating him very carefully and we’re hoping for the best. Now, you know that he was sexually assaulted. His injuries there are painful, but not serious. He should heal fine with some time. So, there’s many reasons to have hope for Patrick’s recovery.”

Dana sighed and said, “Thank you, Doctor.”

“No problem. And we will be settling Patrick into the ICU. He’ll be allowed two visitors for ten minutes at a time. We suggest immediate family, but seeing as Patrick’s friends have been waiting for a while, we can allow them as well,” the doctor informed the group.

When Agustine’s turn came, he and Dom sat in the chairs next to Patrick. They didn’t have anything to say. But they took turns holding Patrick’s hand, holding back tears. Patrick was hooked up to monitors, an IV, oxygen. But one hand was clear of all needles and tubes, and that was their lifeline to their friend. Patrick had a bandage over his left forehead and his face was very pale.

“I still can’t believe this is happening,” Agustine said to Dom. “Why did this happen? Paddy doesn’t deserve this.”

“That’s not how life works, and you know it,” Dom said. “Things happen, good and bad.”

“But why Patrick? Is it because he’s so open and sweet?” Agustine seemed to be talking to himself.

“Don’t go there, Agustine. That’s a fool’s road. This didn’t happen because of anything Patrick did or is. It happened because Chris is a fucking psychopath, period.”

“Why couldn’t I see that? He seemed like a great guy,” Agustine muttered.

“It’s not your fault. It’s only Chris’ fault. Leave it alone,” Dom said with finality.

Later, while in the ICU waiting room, a nurse came and told them a man was looking for Patrick. They all assumed it was Richie, though it seemed much too soon for him to have made it from Texas.

They were shocked when Kevin showed up.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Agustine shouted.

“Take it easy, Agustine,” Dom warned.

Kevin put his hands up to ward off Agustine’s hostility and said, “I got a call from Jon. He heard from Megan that Patrick was attacked and in the hospital.”

Agustine looked accusingly at Megan, but said to Kevin, “I thought you were going back to London.”

“Jon and I broke up again. I’m still trying to figure out what I’m going to do,” Kevin said quietly.

“That’s very interesting. I still don’t understand why you’re here,” Agustine continued.

“Hey, ease up,” Dom said, stepping in between the two men.

“I’m just worried about Patrick. He still means a lot to me. I just want to see if he’s okay.” Kevin’s eyes filled with tears, which sort of stunned the entire group silent.

Agustine relented. “Okay. Whatever. You’re here. Patrick will deal with you when he wakes up.” He couldn’t help but add in his mind, “if he wakes up.”

Megan led Kevin into Patrick’s room, updating him on her brother’s condition. As soon as Kevin laid eyes on Patrick in the bed, he gave out a cry and bent over him, wanting to hold and touch, but unable to due to all the medical equipment.

“Oh, God, Patrick. Patrick. What?” Kevin spat out. 

Megan struggled with her own tears, and said, “I’ll be out… there. You’ve got ten minutes with him, then the doctors will chase you out.”

After she left the room, Kevin reached out an unsteady hand to gently stroke Patrick’s soft hair. “I’m so sorry this happened to you. I will kill the man who did this. No, I won’t. You know me. But I’m so angry and I don’t know what to do. I left Jon. For good this time. After I saw you, I knew what I felt for him was nothing compared to what I still feel for you. I couldn’t do that to Jon or to myself. I can’t settle anymore.”

It felt weird to not hear Patrick’s constant chatter, and Kevin definitely missed it. He needed to hear Patrick tell him that he was going to be fine. Until then, he refused to leave Patrick’s side, despite how awkward it would be, especially once Richie arrived.

By the next morning, Patrick was still unconscious, but the doctor insisted his level of awareness was rising, that all his vital signs were improving. This would have comforted his family and friends, but the bruises on his face that were starting to form the day before had blossomed into a startling array of purple and yellow splotches and made Patrick look like he was getting worse. Even the steady Dana burst into tears on seeing her son looking so beaten and vulnerable. The bruises and torn lip were visible proof and constant reminder that Patrick had been brutally abused by another human being.

When Richie finally made it to the hospital, he seemed stunned and withdrawn. He didn’t even react very much to Kevin’s presence, other than an initial surprise. He sat with Patrick and held his hand, but barely spoke to anybody. He was clearly devastated and worried. But while Kevin kept himself busy constantly looking into Patrick’s medical care, annoying hospital staff, nurses and doctors, Richie spent most of his time quietly sitting. Patrick’s family and especially Dom and Agustine stayed clear of Kevin, but Richie’s isolation was self-imposed and puzzling to everyone.

On Patrick’s third day in the hospital, when his bruises were at their worst, he woke up. Dom and Doris were sitting with him at the time. Patrick groaned and the two were instantly on their feet, hovering over their friend, looking for signs of consciousness. Then Patrick’s eyes opened blearily. Dom hit the call button for the nurse and doctor and then ran out to tell Patrick’s family that he was awake. Doris smiled at Patrick through her tears, and even with the oxygen mask on, she could see Patrick smiling back.

Doris was ushered out of the room while the doctor checked on Patrick’s condition. After about 15 minutes, the doctor addressed the group, “Patrick is awake. He’s doing much better. He’s in some pain, so we’ve given him something to make him more comfortable, but everything looks good. You’ll probably see some memory loss, and frankly, right now he’s flying pretty high on the painkillers, so don’t tax him too much. We’ll most likely move him to a regular room sometime tomorrow, if all goes well.”

The doctor relaxed the visitation rules somewhat and allowed Phil, Dana and Megan in to visit together. The oxygen mask was off, and that was an incredible improvement for the family, as they could see his face. Even better, Patrick’s eyes were open, even though he was blinking slowly and obviously groggy from the medication. He smiled at them and said in a very rusty voice, “Hey, guys. Are you okay?”

They all laughed. “Are we okay? God, Patrick!” Megan said. “We’re fine. How are you feeling?”

“Pretty good. Yeah, pretty good,” Patrick said happily. “I woke up and my head really hurt, but I’m better now.”

The three hugged Patrick very carefully, talking about nothing important or painful. There would be time for that later.

Dom, Agustine and Richie were next to see Patrick.

Richie leaned over and kissed Patrick gently, saying, “Hey, Pato. Don’t scare me like that, okay? Are you all right, baby?”

“I’m fine, Richie. But aren’t you in Texas?” Patrick slurred.

“No, I’m here now. I was in Texas, but I came when I heard you were in the hospital. I can’t leave you alone, huh?” Richie said. “Dom and Agustine are here too. We’ve been worried about you. You gotta get better, okay?”

Dom and Agustine came into Patrick’s view and smiled at him.

“Okay, Richie,” Patrick agreed. “My face hurts. It kind of hurts to smile.”

“Stop smiling for a while then,” Richie said.

Patrick stared seriously at Richie and opened his mouth to say something. Instead he just closed his eyes, suddenly looking weary.

“Pato?” Richie asked quietly.

“Hmm?” Patrick said sleepily, clearly already dropping off into a more natural sleep.

“Get some rest. We’ll be here waiting for you when you wake up. I love you.”

“Hmm,” Patrick said happily.

Dom had to tell Kevin, who was still in the waiting room, that Patrick had fallen asleep. Kevin was disappointed, but said, “I’m glad he woke up. I’m sticking around though. I just need to talk to him myself. If you don’t mind.”

Dom responded, “Do what you need to do, Kevin. Just don’t make things more difficult for Patrick right now. I mean, Richie’s here, and Patrick has a lot of healing to do. Don’t make things more complicated for him.”

“I swear, Dom, if I feel like I’m creating any problems for Patrick at all, I will leave before anybody else has a chance to kick me out. He’s the only thing I’m thinking about now, I swear it,” Kevin told Dom with sincerity.

Dom felt a bit shocked at the passion behind Kevin’s concern for Patrick and wondered if this was a good or bad thing.


	3. Kevin

Kevin finally got his chance to talk to Patrick the next day. Patrick was still on pain medication, but seemed much more alert than when he first awoke. Kevin had been waiting so long, but when the time finally came, he found he was nervous and unsure. Would Patrick even want to see him? Their last meeting had been fraught with hurt and anger on Kevin’s part. What made it harder on Kevin was Patrick’s impassive reaction to seeing him. Patrick seemed to be doing everything he could to eliminate any connection to him, and that had hurt.

Kevin walked into the ICU and was relieved to see Patrick sitting up. His bruises were still visible, but already starting to fade a bit. He looked very tired and a little sad, but he still gave Kevin a smile when he saw him. Kevin felt his heart break a little, and also felt a surge of pure love. He had been wondering since he left Jon whether he would ever be over Patrick.

“Patrick. How do you feel?” Kevin asked as he made his way to Patrick’s side.

“I’m okay. Everything hurts a bit, but the medication helps. I thought you would be preparing to go to London,” Patrick said, laying back on the bed.

“Oh, Dom and Agustine didn’t tell you. I’m not going. Well, not now, at least. Jon and I broke up, for good this time. I’m trying to decide what to do.” Kevin couldn’t help himself. He leaned over and gave Patrick a kiss on the lips, very gently.

“I’m so sorry, Patrick. So sorry this happened to you. How anyone could hurt you like this, I will never understand.” Kevin felt tears falling down his face and wiped them away, embarrassed.

“I’m sorry too, Kevin. About how our relationship ended. And about our last meeting. I thought I wanted to see you to get some kind of closure. But I didn’t even consider your feelings. I just want you to know that I’m sorry.” Patrick gave Kevin a sad smile.

“Patrick, don’t worry about that now. How are you handling this, the beating, the rape?” Hearing the word out loud made Patrick flinch slightly, but then he calmed.

“I’m too doped up to really think about it too hard, which is good, I guess. I feel angry and I feel humiliated. But I’m okay. They want me to talk to a therapist, which is fine. When I’m better. But you know, you’re the first person to even mention the… rape. I guess everyone else thinks I’m too fragile or something.”

“Well, Patrick, you look like you’ve been through hell. And there’s something about you that makes people want to protect you. Maybe it’s those big eyes. I feel it too. But I know you’re strong as well. You’re gonna be okay,” Kevin said.

“Yeah, I will be,” Patrick agreed.

“I’ve been waiting here just because I needed to hear that from you. But I don’t think your family and friends, and particularly Richie, are happy about my presence. So I’m going home. But I will be visiting to make sure you’re doing okay. Is that all right?”

“Yeah, that’s okay, Kevin. I appreciate it,” Patrick replied. “And you can probably blame me for their hostility. Agustine especially sees you as some kind of corrupting influence on me. It’s ridiculous.”

Kevin smiled and said, “I don’t know. I feel like I corrupted you plenty.”

Patrick laughed, the first time since the attack. “I’ll agree with that,” he said, feeling like himself finally.

The doctors moved Patrick into a private room later that day, and the hospital psychiatrist came to visit him. He was an older man, in his 50s, graying hair, with a no-nonsense personality and a less-than-warm bedside manner.

“Hello, Mr. Murray. My name is Dr. Cardwyn. I’m a psychiatrist with the hospital. I’m here to help you deal psychologically and emotionally with your attack and particularly the rape. First of all, are you having any problems sleeping? Nightmares, anxiety?”

“I’m still on some pretty strong medication, Dr. Cardwyn,” Patrick answered. “Sleeping hasn’t been a problem. No nightmares yet.”

The doctor barely made eye contact. “Well, I expect your sexual orientation might help you recover from this.”

“What do you mean?” Patrick wasn’t sure he liked the sound of that.

“You’re not a stranger to anal sex. The physical damage, as well as the emotional toll, would be much greater, I’d think, if you were heterosexual,” the doctor said casually.

Patrick stared at the man in amazement. This was San Francisco, 2015. He couldn’t believe it.

“Am I required to talk to you?” Patrick asked in anger.

“What? Well, no. I’m just trying to help you,” the doctor said, surprised.

“Then I don’t want to talk to you. I’ll talk to another psychiatrist, if they insist. But I’m not going to talk to you,” Patrick said, his eyes filing with tears.

“Mr. Murray, I didn’t mean anything—“

Patrick interrupted him, shouting, “Get out, you little piece of shit!”

Cardwyn jumped to his feet and angrily left the room just as Dom was entering.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Dom asked. “Are you okay, Patrick?”

Patrick calmed himself as best he could. “The psychiatrist was trying to tell me that being gay was a big plus for my recovery.”

“What?” Dom asked, confused.

“Never mind.” Patrick turned away. “Is that what people think when a gay man is raped? That it’s just another aspect of our lifestyle?”

Richie entered the room, having just returned from getting coffee.

“Did that homophobic quack say that to you?” Richie asked angrily. He quickly came over to Patrick and hugged him. “It’s okay, Pato. He’s gone. You don’t have to see him again.”

Richie walked around the room, clearly enraged. “I can’t believe the prejudice, even here!”

“Richie, calm down,” Patrick said, somewhat amused and touched by Richie’s righteous rage.

“We’ll get you seen by somebody else. There must be some kind of support group for men who’ve been, you know, attacked sexually,” Richie said, still agitatedly moving around the room.

Patrick said, “At least he didn’t say I asked for it. He just suggested I wasn’t suffering much due to my sexual orientation and my experience with anal sex.”  
Dom said, “Oh, is that all? That son of a bitch. I’m going to go talk to someone from administration. That ass shouldn’t be allowed to treat rape victims.”

Silence followed Dom’s pronouncement.

There it is, thought Patrick. That word. Richie looked distraught and headed to Patrick and hugged him.

“Baby, it’s okay. I’m so sorry. The last thing you need is an inconsiderate, intolerant doctor. You let me take care of it, all right? I’ll deal with it. You just get better,” Richie told Patrick in a soothing voice.

Patrick just stared at Richie. “I’m not gonna break, Richie. I’m upset and injured, but I’m dealing with things just fine. Anyway, I don’t even remember clearly what happened.”

“I was wondering about memory issues,” Dom said. “The docs warned us your head injury might ‘cause some amnesia.”

Patrick wasn’t looking at either men, but staring out the window.

“I’m sorry, but I’m not feeling great right now. Can you tell the nurse? I think I need to sleep,” Patrick said quietly.

“Okay. I’ll let them know. They’ll probably give you some good meds,” Richie said and left the room after a kiss on Patrick’s cheek.

“Patrick, cut him some slack. He’s been so worried. He wants to take care of you,” Dom said.

“I know. I’m just tired,” Patrick told Dom, finally looking at him.

By Patrick’s sixth day in the hospital, the police informed Agustine that Chris had finally turned himself in. He’d been hiding with some relatives in Palo Alto and had arrived crying at the San Francisco Police Department, saying he hadn’t meant to hurt Patrick. His problems with alcohol came out during the interrogation, and once he started spilling his guts, Chris admitted everything, repeatedly asking if Patrick was going to be okay.

As an act of penance, Agustine took it upon himself to be the one to convey this information to Patrick, asking his friend’s forgiveness for introducing him to Chris and leaving them alone during the walk home.

Patrick just laughed and told Agustine he was being a drama queen and shouldn’t blame himself for something he couldn’t have predicted.

Richie found a support group for gay survivors of sexual assault, which simultaneously provided a forum for victims’ voices to be heard. He made plans for Patrick to enter a group when he was recovered. But he also volunteered at the organization, feeling motivated to help because of Patrick’s trauma.

Patrick continued to improve. His headaches lessened and he was able to stay awake for longer periods of time. There was hardly a moment when he wasn’t surrounded by family or friends, hardly a moment for him to think about what happened to him. His parents were clearly too horrified and embarrassed to talk about the attack. Even just the aspect of the beating was too much for them. Any discussion would lead to what Patrick was doing the night of the incident. Dancing at a gay bar, drinking. That would all lead to Chris, who his parents seemed to think was his date for the night, as if the entire attack was the result of a date gone terribly wrong.

Megan was very sweet, which made Patrick feel strange. She was treating him with kid gloves, clearly nervous around him.

Dom was very understanding, though full of a suppressed anger. He acted like he had let Patrick down, as if it was his job to protect him. But he was still the easiest to talk to. Agustine, on the other hand, barely made any eye contact with Patrick. Patrick wasn’t sure why, but he suspected Agustine felt guilty about pairing him with Chris in the first place. Patrick wanted to comfort and soothe both of them, but didn’t have the energy.

Now, Richie was another story. He was the picture of a gentleman, kind, almost overly thoughtful. And yet, Richie also seemed unable to talk about the assault on Patrick. He was okay talking about the beating, but the rape was strictly off limits. It seemed to cause Richie an undue amount of pain. Yet he also seemed to be galvanized by his work with the male rape support group. He must be hearing about sexual assault all the time. Maybe it was difficult when the victim was Patrick.

But Patrick wanted to talk about everything. Like usual. The old Patrick would have just blurted everything out to everybody, in spectacular detail. But one look at Richie’s face, and the new Patrick couldn’t hurt him. It was frustrating. But he supposed he could wait until he was well enough to join a group. Patrick had refused to see another hospital psychiatrist.

Ironically, the one person he felt comfortable around was Kevin, who visited almost every day. He wouldn’t stay very long, but he didn’t treat Patrick like a victim, or a slut, or a reminder of guilt. He treated him as he always had, like he was silly Patrick. It was such a relief. He was sick and exhausted and so, so sad and a bit angry, and it was such a relief not to have to think about how to make someone else feel better.


	4. Recovery

One of the doctor treating Patrick told him one day that he was about three days away from being released from the hospital. She said, “If all goes well, if you continue to improve, you should be able to go home, though you will need a lot of care for at least a few weeks, maybe more. Will you be able to stay with someone who’ll be home with you for most of the day and night?”

Patrick told her that he would have to think about it. But the truth was, he didn’t know what he was going to do. The doctor had mentioned the possibility of hospice care, if his Cobra insurance would cover it. That seemed unlikely to Patrick. He didn’t want to go home to Denver again. Dom, Doris and Agustine all had work, and Richie was staying at a hotel. Patrick was even considering lying to the hospital’s post-release social worker and going back to Dom’s and taking care of himself as best he could.

Two days before release, Kevin came for his daily visit. It was midmorning and Patrick was sleeping. He woke slowly to Kevin staring at him with an unreadable look on his face.

“Kevin. God, you scared me. Are you okay?” Patrick asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m not the one in hospital,” Kevin said, laughing. “Did you have a good rest?”

Patrick yawned and answered, “I can’t seem to stop sleeping. The doctor said it’s normal after a head injury. I’ve never slept so much in my life. It’s weird.”

“Dom told me you were going to be released in two days,” Kevin said. “What are you going to do? You going back to his place?”

Patrick hadn’t told anybody the doctor’s requirement that somebody take care of him all day and night. There seemed to be no point to it. “Yeah. All my stuff’s there. Everybody else is all booked up. My parents asked me to come home, but there’s just no way.”

“You shouldn’t be traveling anyway, I would think,” Kevin noted. “I do have an offer, however.”

“Ooh. That sounds dangerous,” Patrick said with a smile.

“Stay with me,” Kevin said simply. “I have a guest room, as you know. It’s a huge apartment. No strings attached. Stay with me as a friend. And I’m not working right now, so I can take care of you. And before you deny it, I know you need somebody to help you out for at least a few weeks. I’ve been grilling the doctors and nurses every day since you arrived, so, yeah, I know.”

Patrick wasn’t sure how to respond. He felt tears form in his eyes and he looked quickly away from Kevin. His emotions were so close to the surface, even more than usual, and he wasn’t sure he liked that.

Kevin saw the tears and said gently, “I would like to take care of you, Patrick. As a friend, if not as something more. I’ll take what I can get. I meant it when I said I still love you. And if you think that my love will complicate things, think again. I’ve accepted that you don’t return the feeling, and I’m okay with it. You’ve been through a horrible thing, you’re still unwell, and you need some help. I’m simply happy to be able to help you. You just have to accept.”

Patrick turned back to Kevin and through a watery smile said, “I want to say yes, but I’ll have to run it by Richie. We’re not actually back together, but we made plans. I don’t want to hurt him.”

“Completely understand,” Kevin insisted. “Believe me, the last thing I want to do is upset Richie. And you better let Agustine and Dom know as well. And Doris. And whoever else has some kind of proprietary feeling about you. They’ll probably all assume I have insidious plans, but I can deal with it.”

“Okay. I accept then. And thank you. I really didn’t know what I was going to do,” Patrick said.

“I know what you were going to do. You were going to lie by omission about needing someone to take care of you,” Kevin said, though without any anger.

“I’m trying to be a grown-up, Kevin, but sometimes it’s hard.” Patrick closed his eyes and took a deep breath, exhaustion creeping up on him once again.

Patrick opened his eyes again after a quiet minute and looked up to see Kevin with that same unnameable look on his face.

“What?” Patrick asked, amused. “What are you thinking of when you make that face?”

“You really want to know? I’m thinking about how bloody fortunate it is that you’re okay. ‘Cause otherwise I don’t know what I’d have done. Murdered this Chris person maybe. Who knows?” Kevin answered.

“You would have been fine. You all would have been fine,” Patrick said shyly.

Kevin quickly became serious. “That is one thing I would not have been. Are you really okay? You know if you need to talk, I’m here.”

“I know,” Patrick said. “I’m okay, but confused. Nobody else wants to talk about it. Agustine and Dom act guilty. My family seem embarrassed. And me, I’m wondering what I did wrong. I mean, Chris was introduced to me as Agustine’s friend. That made me trust him. And I wasn’t interested in him, but I wanted to be friendly. Which was probably a bad idea. Maybe I gave Chris mixed messages. But then I remember how I said no in so many ways in that driveway. And it didn’t matter. Then I wonder why I couldn’t fight him better. Chris is over ten years older than me. That makes me feel like a wimp and unmanly. I feel mad, at Chris, but just in general too. Like it’s not fair, but I know bad things happen to everybody. So what’s the point in being angry? And then I wonder if I’m tainted. I don’t mean HIV. They already tested Chris, and he’s negative. I mean, sort of… spoiled, I guess, ruined? Maybe Richie or whoever won’t want me anymore. I don’t know. It’s just so terrible. And it’s embarrassing! Why am I embarrassed by this? A part of me wishes I had the chance to just keep the whole thing a secret. It looks like I’m going to have to at least give an official statement. Chris has pled guilty, but I might still have to talk about it in court. Which would be so awful. And I wonder if I’ll be able to separate anal sex from the violence and rape. I want it to still be an act of love, but can I get over that? And the new job— Will everybody know about this? Owen already knows. I can count on him not to tell anybody else at MDG, but if I have to go to court, it’ll probably get around. And how can I not let this define me somehow? It’s just so frustrating and stupid! You know what I mean?”

Kevin never looked away once while Patrick vented. “You feel better now, Patrick?”

“Totally,” Patrick said, and both men started laughing, hard.

“Oh, my God. Now my head is killing me!” Patrick said, just barely getting his laughter under control. “Can you tell a nurse I need something for the pain?”

“Just push the button, Patrick!” Kevin said, laughing harder.

Patrick grabbed his head but kept giggling and reached for the call button.

Within 15 minutes, Patrick was fast asleep again, and Kevin sat happily by his side until Richie and Dom arrived an hour later.

Richie looked at Kevin sitting next to Patrick’s bed and wanted to say something maybe a bit sarcastic or angry, but stopped himself. Kevin got up off the chair and said, “I was just about to leave. Patrick was awake for a while. He was doing okay, but then his head started hurting. So the nurse gave him some painkillers. So that’s why he’s asleep now.” He couldn’t stop sounding defensive, like he had to constantly give excuses for being there.

“I thought you wouldn’t be visiting so often after you got a chance to talk to Patrick,” Richie said mildly.

Kevin wondered how much, if anything, he should tell Richie about Patrick’s plans after leaving the hospital. He realized this bit of information would have to come from Patrick himself.

“Yeah, I know I said that. I’m just trying to make sure his recovery progresses. I know you guys are taking good care of him. I need to see for myself that he’s getting better. Is that a problem?” Kevin asked, trying to calm his temper.

“Nah. It’s all right,” Richie said. “Your visits seem to cheer Patrick up. I can’t complain about that.”

Kevin was mildly surprised by Richie’s attitude, then had to admit that he really didn’t know the man, and Patrick had always talked about Richie as, above all, being a decent person. “Thanks, Richie. I really appreciate your understanding. Um, I’ll go now. Tell Patrick I’ll see him tomorrow, yeah?”

“Sure,” Richie said, looking down at his feet.

As Kevin left, Dom stood up and followed him out the door and into the hallway. “Hey, Kevin. Wait up,” he said.

Kevin stopped, sighed and turned around. “Yeah, Dom?”

“What the fuck are you doing?” Dom asked heatedly.

“Come on, Dom. I just explained it all to Richie, and he was cool with it.” Kevin sighed.

“What is your plan here? Are you trying to get Paddy back? This really isn’t the time for that,” Dom said quickly.

“Dom, I swear I have no nefarious plans or hidden agendas. I admit I am acting selfishly because it makes me feel good to see Patrick getting better, and yeah, of course I love being with him.”

“You still love him, don’t you?” Dom said more as a statement than a question.

“Yes. I told him that some weeks ago. But I also let him know I understand he doesn’t return the sentiment and I’m okay with that,” Kevin continued.

Kevin thought for a moment and then blurted out, “Dom, I asked Patrick to move in with me for a few weeks or a month after he’s out of hospital. I’m not working now, and I can take care of him 24/7.”

“What?” Dom asked.

“Nothing romantic or sexual. I found out from the doctor that he needs constant care for at least a few weeks once he goes home. You and Agustine are busy during the day. I’m not. Richie will probably go back go Texas soon. It just makes the most sense,” Kevin explained.

Dom stared at Kevin quietly for a minute. “What did Paddy say?”

“He said yes. I didn’t tell Richie ‘cause I think Patrick needs to do that. Plus, I don’t want to get punched,” Kevin said.

Dom chuckled. “Smart move. But, Kevin, just try to be honest with yourself about what you want. Then try to be honest with Patrick. He’s acting all brave and calm, but I know him. He’s hurting and he’s very vulnerable. I’m not saying treat him like he’s fucking made of glass, but he needs honesty right now. Plus, if you hurt him, Kevin, I will come after you, swear to God.”

Kevin just said, “I get you. You don’t have to worry about that. I agree he’s been hurt enough.”

Dom nodded at Kevin, then returned to Patrick’s room, leaving Kevin deep in thought.

Later the same day, Richie came back at his usual time, 6:00, after taking a break at his hotel. Patrick realized he had to tell Richie about his plans to move in with Kevin for a few weeks. What seemed to make so much sense a few hours earlier now appeared questionable and at the least, difficult to explain. Patrick wasn’t sure how Richie would take the news. Though he and Richie weren’t back together, Patrick turning to, of all people, Kevin for help could be construed as a bit of a slap in the face to Richie. He had to go about this carefully.

Richie was glad to see Patrick looking better. The bruises were still very visible, but were now fading from deep purple to lighter yellows and greens. His eyes were still shadowed, but he looked less exhausted. Richie knew it was past time to talk about the assault, but couldn’t find his way around his own guilt at not being able to protect Patrick and his disturbing feelings of near-paternalistic protectiveness toward his former boyfriend. Richie had never experienced a situation like this with Patrick, and these feelings were neither welcome nor helpful.

“Pato, I was thinking about what you’re gonna do after you get out of here,” Richie started. Patrick’s eyes grew wide, confusing Richie. “What is it?”

“Oh, nothing. I was just going to bring that same subject up,” Patrick said, looking nervous.

“Yeah,” Richie interrupted, “I’m not sure you’re gonna be well enough to take care of yourself. I wish I still had my place. Are you thinking about staying with your mother for a while?”

“No. I can’t live with Mom. I just… can’t,” Patrick said awkwardly.

“Pato,” Richie said earnestly, “Maybe after you recover more, you can come to Texas. I can take care of you.”

“At your uncle’s house?” Patrick asked. “Richie, wait. I’ve sort of made plans already. Uh… Kevin was here earlier. He still has his apartment, and he’s not working. I can stay here in San Francisco and not put any pressure on anybody.”

“Wait, Pato. Kevin? Are you kidding me? Are you two back together?” Richie felt blindsided.

“No, Richie. This is strictly a practical thing. I’m not going to be looking for any kind of relationship for a while now, believe me,” Patrick said.

The two men remained silent for a minute. Richie was confused and hurt, but couldn’t think of anything to say that wouldn’t add to the damage. Patrick looked near tears as it was. Finally he said, “I don’t understand what’s between you two, Patrick. But it’s your decision. I’m not gonna add to your problems by being jealous. Just know that I want to take care of you.” He stopped himself before he said “need.”

“I do know that, Richie, and I love you for it. But you’re in Texas, and if I can stay put here in San Francisco, I would like that. Plus, I’ll eventually need to give a statement for the trial, and I don’t know when that will be,” Patrick said, trying to calm himself down.

“Makes sense, Pato. I wish Dom or Agustine would take time off work and look after you, but I know they’re not that well off, so… I get it.” Richie looked down at his hands, which he was nervously rubbing together.

“How are things at the trauma center?” Patrick asked, changing the subject.

“Good. The people there are really amazing. They’re not afraid to be political. There’s still a lot of homophobia, even here, like you saw with that psychiatrist. But it keeps a lot of victims quiet, thinking that their lifestyle makes them seem somehow guilty in their own attacks. When you’re better, they have groups you can join, and also you could even maybe speak at one of their events. I mean, if you feel like you want to,” Richie said quickly.

“Wow. You sound so passionate about this,” Patrick said. “That’s great. Yeah, a group sounds good. I’m not sure about speaking about the rape. I mean, I’m losing sleep just thinking about the trial. I understand about wanting to keep quiet.”

There it was again— the awkwardness. Richie couldn’t stand to think about Patrick being a victim of sexual assault, and Patrick sensed his reluctance but didn’t understand it. This left both men sad and frustrated.

Two days later, the doctor was signing release papers for Patrick. She informed Patrick about what rules he had to follow, but also made sure Kevin, Richie and Dom knew as well. She sensed that Patrick was keeping the worst of his condition to himself.

The doctor said, “Patrick, you’re still very weak and you need to be very careful about avoiding falling or jarring your head in any way. Dizzy spells will continue for a while, so I’m telling you and your friends that you need to stay put as much as possible. That means letting people wait on you. Don’t feel guilty about it. A physical therapist will be coming to Mr. Matheson’s apartment to work with you, Patrick, about 3 times a week, and help you with your balance and get you up and walking again. This is a slow process, so you need to be patient. Remember, you’ve been very badly injured, and though you’ve improved a lot, you are still quite fragile. Mr. Matheson, since you’ve volunteered to provide Patrick’s care, please make sure he eats regularly and sleeps as much as possible. Sleep is the body’s natural way of healing. And, Patrick, you’re going to be tired for quite some time, so listen to your body and let yourself rest.”

The doctor put together a bag of medication for Patrick, mostly painkillers, and handed it to Kevin. “And make sure he takes his medicine, on time.”

Kevin looked somewhat overwhelmed. He hadn’t realized Patrick’s continuing health would depend so much on him. But he also felt strangely excited about being able to take care of Patrick. He couldn’t wait to smother him with the love he’d been holding back for the past year. Couldn’t wait to have Patrick with him every hour of the day and night. It would be difficult to tamp down his physical reactions to Patrick, but the man’s injuries would help in that regard. Every time Kevin looked at Patrick since the attack, he wanted to overwhelm him with kindness and warmth. But he also knew Patrick needed to rebuild his emotional strength.

Richie approached Kevin after the doctor gave her instructions and asked to speak to him down in the hospital cafeteria.

The two men sat at a table. Richie had a cup of coffee, Kevin a cup of tea and a pastry. Kevin couldn’t help but squirm a bit in his chair.

“Kevin, I’m not sure what to think or feel about Patrick staying with you,” Richie said. “I mean, it makes sense on one level. You have the place, the space. You can afford to not work for a while.”

Richie took a sip of his coffee and continued, “I don’t know you, dude, but I can’t help but think you’re just trying to get Patrick back. I mean, I don’t blame you. Patrick’s Patrick. And yeah, I’m not financially well off like you are, so I don’t have a lot of freedom or choices. I’m glad you can provide Patrick with what he wants, which is to stay here. And I never got a chance to thank you for getting that job for him.”

“Richie, it was my pleasure. And you’re doing so much for him, really. And I do love Patrick. But I promise I will not act on that while he’s recovering. My complete focus is on getting Patrick healthy and well again,” Kevin said.

“And after he gets better? Planning on putting the moves on him then?” Richie asked bluntly.

Kevin sighed and answered honestly, “I’m not planning on it. I can’t promise I won’t try. I’m still very attracted to him. That’s never going to change. But I can promise that I won’t be the one making the first move.”

“Patrick and I made plans to give our relationship another go in six months when I get back from Texas. If that happens, how are you going to react?” Richie asked.

“I don’t have any illusions that Patrick loves me. I’m not sure he ever loved me. You have no reason to believe me, but I’ll say it anyway. I just want Patrick to be happy,” Kevin admitted.

Richie looked seriously at the other man and said, “I don’t know how to help Patrick right now. If I had been there when that asshole attacked him, I could have protected Patrick and prevented the… rape and beating. I know that like a real fact. And it makes me angry I didn’t get that chance. And I feel guilty. I want to protect Patrick so much now that I feel like I’m smothering him. And I can’t talk to him about it. I can help out at the rape clinic, but I can’t even discuss what happened with Patrick. It just makes me so mad.”

Kevin felt incredibly moved by Richie’s honesty. “Patrick just needs everyone to treat him the same way we always have. I really believe that’s the best thing we can do for him.”

Richie looked so sad. “I just don’t know how to do that,” he said simply.

“Well, I’m going back to Texas tomorrow,” Richie continued. “Just know I’ll be calling Patrick every day, and I’ll probably call you as well if I feel like he’s not being totally honest about how he’s doing.”

“Fair enough,” Kevin said and smiled.

“Take good care of him, Kevin. Okay? Make him feel spoiled. That’s all I’m asking,” Richie said.

“I will, Richie, I promise,” Kevin swore. And then Richie left the table to go back upstairs to help Patrick get ready to leave.

Richie closed the door to Patrick’s room and went over to the bed to help Patrick get dressed. Everything was difficult for poor Patrick after 9 days in the hospital, including putting on real clothes. Dom had brought a loose front-button shirt for Patrick, knowing it would be easier not to have to put anything over his head. Richie helped a weak Patrick put his arms through the shirt and buttoned it for him. Patrick smiled sheepishly at him.

“I can’t believe I need help getting my clothes on,” Patrick chuckled. “I feel five years old.”

“You’ve been in bed for a week and a half. You’re weak. Give yourself a break, Pato,” Richie soothed. “I’m proud of your improvement. The doctor thinks you’re doing really well.”

“Oh, God. I’ve never been this weak and tired before. Thank you for helping me. You could have made this much more embarrassing,” Patrick said.

“Why would I do that?” Richie asked. “I want what’s best for you.”

“Richie, are you okay with me moving in with Kevin?” Patrick asked with a serious look on his face.

“Okay? Not really, nah. But it makes sense. I can’t argue with it. You get to stay in your favorite city, where you’re comfortable and where your friends are. You’ll have somebody taking care of you round the clock. If I could afford it, I would move back, move you in with me, and take care of you, you know. I just don’t have the money,” Richie said without looking directly at Patrick.

“I’m so sorry, Richie,” Patrick said, his eyes tearing up. “This doesn’t seem fair to you somehow. I know you would do all that for me ‘cause you’re the most decent, honorable person I’ve ever met. I love you. I don’t deserve one person wanting to take care of me, much less two. Even healthy, I know I’m a handful.”

“I can’t deny that,” Richie said with a smile and a laugh. “You are heavy-duty hard work to deal with. But it’s worth it.”

“Are you still planning on moving back in six months?” Patrick asked, visibly nervous.

“Let’s just see where we are then, okay? No more plans, no promises. We’ll see what happens,” Richie said.

“Richie, nothing’s going to happen in the next six months that’s going to affect our relationship. Right now Kevin is my friend, nothing more,” Patrick implored.

“Right now, yeah, Patrick. But in a few months, who knows? Let’s just get through the next few weeks, okay?”

“Okay. I love you, Richie,” Patrick said as tears coursed down his face. “I hope this hasn’t changed anything between us. I know you’re having trouble dealing with what happened to me. I don’t understand it exactly, but I know something’s changed about the way you look at me. And whatever it is, I’m sure we can work things out. I don’t want to lose you.”

Patrick turned away, covering his face with his hands as he sobbed.

Startled, Richie hugged him and moved his hands away. “Hey, hey. Pato, everything’s okay. I love you too. We’re okay.”

They hugged until Patrick calmed, then kissed sweetly if not passionately.

“You’re all set, Pato. I’m gonna go now. I’m gonna call you all the time, make sure Kevin’s taking good care of you,” Richie said, now looking very melancholy. “Don’t forget me.”

“Never,” Patrick said.

Richie left the room with one last glance back at Patrick sitting fully dressed on the bed, looking lost and sad.


	5. Confusion

Dom and Agustine arrived to help Kevin get Patrick settled in his apartment. They entered Patrick’s room as an orderly was bringing a wheelchair in to take Patrick downstairs to Kevin’s car. They both noticed Patrick’s distressed look and rushed over to him.

“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” Agustine asked with concern.

“Richie just left. I’m fine. Just a little down,” Patrick answered. “Is Kevin here? I’m really ready to leave.”

Dom spoke up, “I think he’s talking to the attending nurse right now. I gotta admit, he’s keeping on top of your medical care. It’s kind of impressive actually.”

“Yeah,” Patrick said, clearly distracted. “He’s been great.”

Kevin came in right on cue. “All right. Are we all ready to tackle the great patient transfer?” Kevin asked cheerfully. 

“Yes,” Patrick said seriously.

“You all right, Patrick?” Kevin asked, concerned. “You need to rest a bit before we move?”

“Actually, can I just have a few minutes to myself? I’m sorry. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. And my head hurts a bit. Really, just maybe two minutes.” Patrick looked near tears.

“Of course,” Kevin said. “We’ll be out in the hallway. I’ll come in after a few minutes and check on you.”

“Is that all right with you?” Patrick asked the orderly.

“Sure,” the Hispanic man said, locking the wheelchair into place and leaving with the others.

As soon as the door closed, Patrick rested his head on the pillow and started taking deep breaths. He felt confused and depressed. The doctor had warned him that his emotions would be volatile while he recovered, but it was not an easy thing to deal with. And he wondered if he just ruined what he had with Richie. Whatever it was that they had didn’t get a chance to bloom, and he mourned for its loss. But Patrick refused to give up completely on the possibility of a future for the relationship.

True to his word, Kevin returned in three minutes with Dom and Agustine. The orderly came in with a nurse who gave Patrick some pills.

“Let’s go,” Patrick said with a watery smile.

Kevin allowed Dom and Agustine to help Patrick to his feet and then into the wheelchair. Patrick was clearly still dizzy and weak, but he was happy to be moving around and happier still to be leaving what had been his home for nearly two weeks.

Patrick tried not to cringe as they pulled into the underground garage of Kevin’s apartment complex. He couldn’t help but remember the heated words spoken there by both himself and Kevin during their horrible argument. At the time, the garage and the entire complex seemed to represent the claustrophobic fears crowding in Patrick’s mind about his relationship with Kevin. Kevin appeared to be having the same struggle internally. Patrick looked over at him in the driver’s seat and noticed his tense look. Kevin sensed Patrick’s attention and looked over at him with a forced grin.

“What the fuck is the problem with this crazy building?” Agustine said when he saw Kevin dealing with the fob system. “Are you living in a self-imposed prison?”

“Calm down, Agustine,” Patrick said with a smile. “I’m kind of looking forward to the security.”

“Shit, Patrick. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. This looks like a really safe place to live,” Agustine said with a guilty look.

“Agustine, please. Don’t start treating me like some broken, delicate child. I don’t know what I’d do if you stopped being brutally honest with me,” Patrick said.

“Don’t worry. I won’t let you down on that count, Paddy,” Dom smirked. “I’ll still tell you when you’re acting like an asshole.”

“I knew I could count on you, Dom,” Patrick said, smiling. Patrick looked over at Agustine and couldn’t read his expression, which set his nerves on edge.

“What’s going on with you, Agustine?” Patrick asked, feeling more annoyed than maybe the situation warranted due to his increasing exhaustion from all the moving around.

“Nothing, Patrick,” Agustine said.

“You’re not still feeling guilty about introducing me to Chris, are you?” Patrick asked.

“Why would I feel guilty about getting you together with your rapist? Shit, Patrick, of course I’m feeling guilty. I have been since Eddie and I found you lying on the concrete, looking like you were dead,” Agustine ranted, his own temper growing.

Patrick went a bit pale, imagining the scene.

“Hey, you all right?” Kevin asked when he saw Patrick’s pallor. “We’re almost there, but if you need to sit down, you can do it right here.”

“No, I’m okay. I haven’t had this much activity in weeks,” Patrick said, breathing a little heavily. “Agustine, what exactly did you see when you found me?”

“Oh, God, Patrick. I’m so sorry that I painted that picture for you. That’s the last thing you needed. Please forget I said anything. I’ll try my best to get over this stupid guilty feeling,” Agustine said.

“Once I blacked out, I don’t know what went on around me, and I just suddenly realized how weird that makes me feel. Like I’m missing a piece of my life. I need you to tell me what happened,” Patrick pleaded.

“Let’s get in the apartment first, please, fellas,” Kevin said. “I don’t want to have to pick Patrick off the floor.”

“Good idea,” Dom said.

The guys helped Patrick into the apartment and onto the couch, where he stretched out and closed his eyes.

“I’m gonna get you some fruit juice, Patrick,” Kevin said.

Agustine tried to calm his nerves. He didn’t want to upset Patrick more, especially right now when he was looking so pale and sickly. But he understood his friend’s need to know. He just wished Eddie was here to do the dirty work.

“Here, Patrick. And take a painkiller. The doctor said you’d probably need one after you got here,” Kevin said, handing him a glass of juice. He sat next to Patrick on the end of the couch and couldn’t help but gently rub his head, offering what comfort he could.

After a few minutes of silence, Patrick roused himself and said, “Agustine, I really need to know,” though he kept his eyes closed.

“Patrick, I understand. Dom, Kevin, can we have some privacy? For Patrick’s sake,” Agustine said.

“Of course,” Kevin agreed, and he and Dom went up to the roof garden.

They sat down, trying to relax. “Hey, Kevin, you gonna need some help taking care of Patrick?” Dom asked.

“I don’t think so. The doctor told me Patrick will probably mostly sleep, which is perfectly fine. I’ve got the fridge and kitchen well stocked, a ton of DVDs ready to watch. But if I need help, I’ll let you know, yeah?”

“Please. I mean, I’ve gotta get back to work full-time, but I’ll do everything I can. I don’t want you to feel alone in this,” Dom insisted.

“Thanks, Dom, really. I know you and Agustine don’t exactly trust me completely, but you guys have been nothing but fair to me,” Kevin said earnestly.

“Yeah, well, don’t let it get to your head. We’re still in shock over all this. We’ll go back to treating you like shit soon enough,” Dom said, smiling.

“How comforting,” Kevin said, also smiling. “You think it’s safe to go back downstairs? I’m kind of worried about Patrick.”

Just then Agustine popped his head through the door.

“He’s asleep. Dom, I gotta get home to Eddie. Can we go?” Agustine asked.

“Sure. You okay?” Dom asked.

“No. But I will be. See you later, Kevin. Is it okay if Eddie and I visit in a few days?” Agustine asked.

“Sure. Just call before you come,” Kevin said, standing up with Dom and heading back downstairs.

Kevin saw the two men out, and then approached the sleeping Patrick, needing to wake him up to get him into bed in the guest room.

“Patrick,” he said quietly. No response. He touched his shoulder, which caused Patrick to shoot up into a sitting position in shock.

“Hey, hey! It’s okay. It’s just me,” Kevin soothed.

“Oh, God, my head!” Patrick groaned. “Fuck.” Kevin saw a few tears leaking out of Patrick’s eyes.

“I’m sorry. I just need to get you into bed. You just sat up too fast. Take a few deep breaths,” Kevin said, rubbing Patrick’s arm.

“I was gonna joke about your bad timing with your sexually suggestive comments, but I’m in too much pain and too tired,” Patrick said, calming.

“Well, technically, you just did make that joke, so you must be getting better,” Kevin smirked.

“Okay, you’re right. Help me into bed, Kevin, and you can do anything you want with me.”

Kevin half carried, half walked Patrick into his guest room. He rummaged in the bags Dom had brought from his house containing Patrick’s clothes and found a worn old shirt that would work well as a sleep shirt. When he returned to the guest room, Patrick was already asleep on top of the covers. Kevin set about wrestling the clothes off his ex-boyfriend and putting the sleep shirt on him.

As he was pulling the blankets over Patrick, he bent over and chastely kissed him on the forehead, silently wishing him a peaceful sleep.

Kevin woke up the next morning, showered and then wandered into the guest room to check on Patrick, who was still fast asleep. He lay the back of his hand on Patrick’s forehead to check for fever for lack of any other way to verify that he was okay and then left a glass of water on the nightstand.

Patrick woke up slowly, feeling very comfortable. He remembered where he was and smiled. It was so like Kevin to have a great mattress even in the guest room. He silently and without moving catalogued the pain throughout his body. Despite incurring the most serious injuries on his head and face, almost his entire body still hurt. The injuries from the rape were mostly gone. It was more like the memory of pain in that area. But every muscle hurt. The doctor explained that struggling with his assailant and being thrown to the ground had stressed many of the muscles of his body, and needing to stay immobile hadn’t improved the situation, nor had the uncomfortable hospital bed. But this bed was something else. Like sleeping on clouds. He didn’t want to wake up because being awake meant being aware of too many unpleasant things. Now that he was getting better, he thought more and more about the attack. The whys and hows were driving him crazy. He was asking questions of himself that couldn’t be answered.

And Richie. Everything that seemed so promising that night they spent walking the beautiful city of San Francisco seemed to have died after he was attacked. Kevin was just confusing. Patrick almost felt like he was taking advantage of Kevin, using the fact that Kevin still loved him to get what he wanted, which was to stay in the city. But what did Kevin expect from him? Was he taking care of him to convince Patrick that they could work things out and get back together? Not that Kevin ever brought up their past. His ex-boyfriend seemed satisfied with friendship. It made his already sore brain hurt more. 

Besides, he wasn’t sure how he felt about a romantic relationship with anyone right now. Patrick needed comfort and love more than ever in his life, yet he felt physically tainted by the rape. He knew it was a fundamentally ridiculous idea. He had not been a virgin, after all. But when he thought that way, he strayed dangerously close to the ideas the hospital psychiatrist extolled. He knew that being a sexually active gay man did not make being raped any easier, any more than a raped straight woman would find comfort in the fact that she had previously consensually gone through the act her attacker forced her into. But he still felt a little dirty and not in a good way. Richie not being able to talk to him about his experience certainly didn’t help that feeling go away.

There was no avoiding the day or life in general, so carefully, slowly, Patrick rolled himself into a sitting position, stifling groans and grunts all the way. He didn’t want to bother Kevin. He sat for a few minutes, breathing slowly and waiting out the severe pounding in his head, matching the incredibly loud pounding of his heart that he heard in his ears. When he opened his eyes, Kevin was standing in front of him, staring.

“Oh, shit!” Patrick shouted.

“Sorry, sorry,” Kevin soothed, laughing. “Are you okay?”

Patrick chuckled, grabbing his chest and said, “Yeah. Everything still hurts like hell. But I’m all right. I didn’t hear you come in.” Then he noticed Kevin was carrying a tray loaded down with food and coffee and juice. “Jesus, Kevin, this is really unnecessary. I’m not even hungry.”

Kevin gave him a crooked smile and said, “I don’t care if you’re hungry or not. You have to eat something, then you can take your meds. If you want, we can move you to the living room. I’ve got a bunch of DVDs I’ve been meaning to watch. Your choice.”

“You don’t have to look after me that much,” Patrick said, blushing. “This is the first morning, and I’m already feeling guilty.”

“Patrick, your doctor explained exactly what level of care you’ll require for the next 2-4 weeks, and I’m just following her orders. You have to let me take care of you though. And don’t feel guilty. I have nothing else to do right now anyway.”

“Yeah, about that. What happened with London? And Jon?” Patrick asked gingerly.

Kevin looked uncomfortable. “Eat your food first. Then I’ll help you to the living room. And then I’ll tell you the story of my recent life. How’s that for a deal?”

Patrick smiled. “Sounds good. But really, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I just wanted to know that you’re okay.”

“Don’t worry. I probably need to talk about it. But first things first.” Kevin then motioned for Patrick to sit back on the bed against the headboard and placed the tray in front of him.

“Thank you, Kevin. Really.” Patrick said, picking up the fork and poking at the eggs, trying to inspire his appetite. “Looks really good.”

Kevin allowed Patrick to eat in peace and then helped him into the living room. The walk from guest room to couch in front of the TV was slow and exhausting. Kevin gave Patrick his medications and got himself some coffee before taking a deep breath. “Okay, are you ready for my sad, sad story?” Kevin asked with a goofy grin.

Patrick leaned back against the couch cushions and looked over at his friend. “I hope it’s not too sad. The last time I saw you… I can’t even explain how bad I felt. Not for you particularly, but for us, what we could have been. You were right about me giving up on us. Yet you were so sweet to me anyway. I mean, after all your passive-aggressive insults.” Patrick chuckled. “I was hoping your plans with Jon and London would bring you happiness.”

“Well, Patrick, I’m ashamed to admit that entire plan to go back to London with Jon was my version of escaping. You leaving for Denver devastated me. I did everything I could to get on with my life. Getting back with Jon helped, though I knew what I could have with him, what I had with him in the past, would never be near what I had with you. I was settling, and I knew it. I think Jon knew it too. He must have been as desperate as I was, ‘cause he agreed to try again very easily. It was completely sad all around.”

Patrick looked down at his hands. “God, Kevin, I would say I’m sorry, but that just wouldn’t be enough. I feel so guilty.”

“No need. We were equally at fault in our breakup. And I don’t want to talk about that today. It was Jon’s idea to move to London. A football— I mean, soccer team was looking for a good doctor and they were courting him pretty heavily. Things weren’t going well between us, and he figured a new country, a new situation, might change that. I knew better, but for lack of another idea, I agreed. But I couldn’t go through with it. With any of it— London, Jon. He didn’t take it well. God, I feel like I’ve done nothing but manipulate, use and torture poor Jon over the past year and a half.”

Patrick said, “He’s been more than happy to go along with most everything though. Maybe it’s not all your fault.”

“I guess nothing’s completely black and white,” Kevin agreed. “But that was the end of me and Jon. There’s no coming back from this one. His masochism only goes so far, apparently. And without Jon, there really was no reason for me to return to England. I like living in America.”

“What about MDG? Are you going to get your old job back?” Patrick asked almost before thinking. “Not that I’m worried about myself!”

“No, I left that position. I meant it when I said it was yours if you wanted. I am, however, looking into a few other administrative positions with MDG. I’m not a good enough programmer to do the fun stuff, but the higher-ups always liked my management skills, so we’ll see,” Kevin said.

“You have my sympathy over the entire situation. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to think about Jon and not feel guilty,” Patrick admitted. “He seems like a good guy.”

“He is that,” Kevin agreed. “You and I will both carry that guilt around for the rest of our lives. Though I still can’t regret anything I did with you. Even though it didn’t last, I loved all our time together.”

“Really? I can’t believe you don’t hate me at least a little. I mean, I really didn’t want to make you change yourself to fit my ideas of a healthy relationship. It seemed unreasonable and sort of unrealistic. But I should have let you try to change if it was worth it to you. I just didn’t want to accept the responsibility of being the reason you did that. Plus, I didn’t feel worth it,” Patrick said as he closed his eyes to rest them.

“Patrick, I could never hate you. I’ve been pissed off at you and frustrated by the things you do, but hate? Not possible. And I would have more than just tried to be monogamous for you, you know. I would have done it. If it was either that or lose you, I would have done anything to keep you in my life,” Kevin said, near tears.

“Kevin, I’m sorry. The person I was even just that short time ago wasn’t ready for that. I had some growing up to do still. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m working on it.”

“You’re doing a good job,” Kevin said. “As a work in progress, you’re definitely going in the right direction. Even if I thought you were pretty great from the beginning.”

“God, you’re gonna give me a big head,” Patrick said, with a chuckle. “Stop it with the flattery. It feels weird.”

“Okay. Enough talk. Let’s watch a DVD. There’s a pile on the coffee table. And, no, `Field of Dreams’ is not one of them. Your choice, totally.” Kevin said, relaxing into his armchair.


	6. Getting Better

The following two weeks passed comfortably. Patrick grew used to the level of care Kevin provided him and even stopped feeling guilty. And his physical condition improved. Bruised and strained muscles healed, his skull fracture also healed, leading to less headaches and eventually to longer periods of staying awake. But with pain mostly passing and his thoughts becoming clearer, a lot of unwanted memories and concerns surfaced.

Richie called Patrick every day, checking on his condition and updating him on how things were going in Texas with his family and with coming to grips with what he wanted to do with his life. The physical distance was taking its toll, naturally, on their relationship. As was Richie’s continuing difficulty with talking about how Patrick’s rape affected him and his feelings for Patrick. The lack of clarity about this issue made Patrick feel unattractive and damaged, even though Richie offered nothing but support and love during their conversations.

Conversely, Kevin’s constant proximity continued to confuse Patrick. Kevin treated him with unending kindness, concern and compassion, asking for nothing in return. He kept his distance physically as much as possible, and when it wasn’t possible, during the times he helped Patrick shower in the beginning and shave, Kevin kept his touch friendly and nothing more. Kevin’s physical pull for Patrick was as strong as ever, and Patrick found it difficult not to reach out and touch, kiss, try for more. Only his physical discomfort and emotional frailty stopped him sometimes. But the seeming ease with which Kevin kept his distance chipped away even more at Patrick’s self-esteem and confidence. Maybe his allure had lost its power with Kevin, and who could really blame him after all Patrick had put him through last year? But Patrick couldn’t help but wonder if the sexual assault had tainted him in some way. These thoughts were sinking him slowly into depression, which the doctor had noticed right away. He was scheduled to see a therapist in a few weeks.

Patrick’s withdrawn and quiet new persona also caught Kevin’s attention. He was worried and shared his concerns with Richie, who would call him about twice a week just to find out what Patrick wasn’t telling him. Richie suggested Kevin discuss the attack with Patrick in greater detail, basically doing what Richie couldn’t do himself. Kevin wasn’t sure what was the best way to handle Patrick on a daily basis. He was still completely in love with the man, but as an act of self-protection and also one of kindness toward Patrick’s condition, he did his best to ignore all his own true instincts in wanting to hold and comfort Patrick and basically drag him into his own bedroom and fuck him senseless. It took all his will power and sense of decency to strictly be friends with Patrick. He had no idea it would be so difficult, and he was afraid a heartfelt discussion would test him even further. But frankly, he would do anything to put a genuine smile back on Patrick’s face.

Kevin set the dining table with a simple stir-fry chicken and rice meal. Patrick sat down and smiled at Kevin. Something in Kevin’s expression wiped the smile off Patrick’s face.

“What’s wrong?” Patrick asked, startled.

“Nothing. Why do you think something’s wrong?” Even Kevin noticed how fake his voice sounded. “I’m sorry, Patrick. I need to talk to you about something, but after dinner. I spent some effort on this meal and I don’t want it ruined.”

Patrick took a bite and then said, “Okay, I appreciate all your work, as always, and this is great, but I’m already getting nervous. Can we talk and then eat?”

“You know, I can’t eat now either. I’ll put this in the oven and we can talk in the living room,” Kevin said as he stood up and carried the plates back into the kitchen.

Patrick slowly stood up and sat down on the couch, nervously rubbing his hands on his sweatpants. Soon Kevin joined him in the room, sitting on the other couch. Bad sign, Patrick thought, that Kevin needs the distance.

“What’s this about, Kevin?” Patrick asked.

“I’ve been worried about you lately. You seem depressed and distant. I’m not saying you don’t have the right to be, but maybe if you talked about what happened to you, how you’re feeling about things, it might help you. If I’m not the person you feel comfortable talking to, then maybe Dom or Agustine. I know you’re almost ready to go to the group therapy at the clinic, but you need something now. Uh, I know you’ve had some memory loss, so we don’t have to go into any details. Just maybe talk about how you’re feeling?” Kevin felt so out of his element, he actually started sweating, a drop slowly making its way down the side of his neck.

“Oh, is that all? Shit, I thought you were about to kick me out,” Patrick said with a sigh of relief.

“What? No. No, of course not. You can stay as long as you need. I mean, as long as you want,” Kevin assured.

“I appreciate that,” Patrick said with a blush. “And I’m perfectly fine talking to you. And I have to admit I wasn’t being honest about my memory problems. I feel stupid about it now, but I just didn’t want to talk about it at the time, so I… pretended I couldn’t remember. I mean, I do have a hole in my memory from the time my head hit the pavement and I woke up in the hospital, but I remember pretty much everything about the assault.”

Kevin was shocked into silence briefly. “When the police interviewed you at the hospital, did you lie to them too?” Kevin actually heard his voice squeak.

“No. Oh, God, no. I told them everything. And I’ll have to do it again when I make a statement in court. Though I was told, since Chris pled guilty already, I might be able to do it remotely, on a recording. Which would be great,” Patrick said nervously.

“Ah. That’s good. You seemed better when you first left the hospital. I’m worried that something about living here with me is bringing you down. If that’s not it, and you feel like talking, please, I’m here for you,” Kevin said.

Patrick took a deep breath. “I have been feeling down. Maybe it’s because I’m not constantly doped up anymore. Or maybe I’ve just had time to think.”

“What are you thinking about exactly?” Kevin asked with real interest.

“Well, I wonder why this happened to me, if I did anything to cause it. And I’m fighting a lot of anger toward Chris and maybe just life in general, that these things happen for no reason. I’m also really confused about how everybody is treating me. Dom and Agustine have been so supportive, but also weirdly, I don’t know, guilty or something. They’re treating me like I’m some delicate drama queen who’s going to fall to pieces if they dare to make fun of me or bring up, God forbid, sex. And Richie can’t even get himself to say the word “rape” in front of me. He won’t talk to me about what happened. It makes me think he’s disgusted by me or something,” Patrick said as he started crying.

“No, no, Patrick, I’m sure that’s not the reason,” Kevin said. “I don’t know him well, but you’ve told me maybe too many times what a decent man he is. That doesn’t sound like the way a decent person would think.”

“But maybe that’s exactly it. His decency makes him feel disgusted by what happened to me. I don’t know. He won’t tell me why he’s treating me differently, so I’ve had to make up my own theories, and they’re all negative and leading to us never being together again,” Patrick said, sniffling.

“You really love him,” Kevin noted.

“I do. I think. No, I do, but things have changed so much in just a few weeks. I had sworn off serious relationships, but honestly, I think that’s the only kind of relationship I’m built for. I just want one guy who I love and who loves me. A few weeks ago I was sure that guy was Richie. But he can’t even talk to me about the biggest thing that’s happened to me maybe ever, so clearly I was wrong. Or maybe he just can’t deal with me as I am now.”

“Patrick, Richie has been calling me a lot only because he wants to make sure you’re getting better and you’re being taken care of. If anything, I think he might be beating himself up for not taking care of you himself,” Kevin said.

“I know, I know. It’s not that I wanted him to take care of me. I know it’s not practical. I just wish he would talk to me, be honest with me, tell me what’s wrong. If I’m too dirty for him now, I just need to know,” Patrick said tearfully.

Kevin stood up and moved to sit next to Patrick. He gave him a gentle hug and said, “There’s nothing dirty about you, Patrick. Except in a good way.”

Patrick laughed and said, “Thank God you’re still dependably inappropriate.”

“And you’re confusing me too,” Patrick continued. “You’ve been acting like a saint, taking care of me, spoiling me right and left. I mean, at least you treat me like an adult man, but I don’t know why you’re doing this. The last time we met, you were so angry at me, even though you said you loved me. I’ve hurt you so much. So I’m feeling some guilt myself.”

“Patrick, there’s no need to feel guilty. I’m being selfish if anything. I do still love you. Having you here in my house, what I still consider sometimes our house, day and night, spending all my hours with you, makes me happy. I love being around you. The last thing I wanted to do is make you feel uncomfortable or expect that I want something from you in return,” Kevin said.

“But don’t you see? I feel like I’m taking advantage of your selfless love for me. I mean, no one has ever taken care of me like you have these past few weeks. Not even my parents when I was a kid. What would I have done if you hadn’t taken me in after I was released from the hospital? I just don’t feel like I deserve this,” Patrick said.

Kevin looked Patrick in the eyes and said, “Can’t you just accept that I love you and that it is no burden on me to care for you?”

“No!” Patrick shouted. “I can’t accept that because I know there’s a part of you that hates me for breaking your heart! You’ve buried it very deep, but it must still be in you somewhere. You may love me, but you don’t like me very much these days. You said I ran away like a coward, and you were right. But the past 10 months have changed me, and you don’t believe it. Almost no one believes it.”

Kevin was becoming alarmed by Patrick’s emotional outburst. “Patrick, calm down. Take a deep breath. We need to talk, but not if it’s to the detriment of your health. I’ll get you a glass of water. Just sit here and breathe for a minute.”

Patrick rubbed the left side of his head, feeling the wound just below his hairline. He breathed deeply and closed his eyes. By the time he drank the glass of water, he was feeling much calmer.

“Sorry, Kevin,” he said. “The doctor said I’d be emotionally volatile, I think is how she put it.”

“No problem. Just want you to settle down. Patrick, I do believe you’ve changed. I didn’t at first, but I was just being cynical. Most people never change. But you’ve grown up. I’ve seen that in the past few weeks. And I don’t hate you. But I am still angry at you. That I’ve buried deep, but only because we both needed your recovery time to be peaceful.”

Patrick smiled. “Okay, that sounds more like it. I don’t blame you for being angry. Last year, I really wasn’t ready to be in a committed relationship with anybody. I should never have moved in with you. It was too early. There was still so much guilt surrounding us, and shame maybe for the cheating.”

Kevin said, “I agree we rushed things. But I was so happy to be in an open relationship with you instead of having a secret affair that I got overexcited. It wasn’t all your fault. If I was truly ready myself, I would have handled the whole Grindr situation better. I wouldn’t have brought up the massages and the hand jobs at the gym. I should have simply promised you I’d be monogamous, not to make you happy, but to make myself happy by keeping you in my life. Frankly, that whole day was a clusterfuck.”

“Yeah,” Patrick agreed, chuckling. “That’s a good way to describe my move-in day. I think I was so fucking nervous and unsure about us that I may have decided we weren’t going to work as soon as I saw that huge framed `Field of Dreams’ poster. It was such a petty thing, but it just reminded me that I didn’t know you well enough.”

“I got that,” Kevin said. “And we’re off topic. Tell me what you’re feeling and if there’s anything I can do to help you.”

Patrick leaned back on the couch and gave the question some thought. “Sometimes, when I’m feeling sorry for myself, I just want my old life back. But which one? The one I made in Denver when I thought I was becoming so mature? Or the old Patrick from before? Do I still want to be the guy constantly sabotaging his own happiness by spewing out everything that ever crosses his mind? Getting involved in untenable situations, like jumping into an affair with my boss who has a boyfriend? No. I don’t want either of those lives back. I want a better one. But what I do want back are my comfortable relationships with my friends.”

“Well, Patrick, you gotta understand that this was a big shock to all of us as well. You nearly died. I mean, look at yourself. Those bruises are fading, but still visible. Imagine how they looked when you were unconscious at the hospital. You’ll have to excuse us for treating you as if you were fragile. But it’ll pass, just like everything. Before you know it, everybody will be mocking you and teasing you again,” Kevin said.

Patrick sighed. “I’m sure a lot of this depression will pass soon too. Some of it’s physical, I’m sure. Part of the healing process. And I’m kind of mourning a lot that will never be the same again. Can I ask you something?”

“Anything,” Kevin assured.

Patrick looked very nervous and then asked, “Do you find me less physically attractive because you think I may have led Chris on? Or is it because I look so beat up? Or maybe just the fact that I’ve become some kind of victim? Or were you already over that because I had acted so badly last year?”

Kevin stared in confusion for a half a minute and then blurted out, “What the fuck? Who said I’m not physically attracted to you anymore?”

“Well, it’s pretty clear. We’ve been living side by side these past few weeks. You’ve had to have your hands all over me just because I’ve been such an invalid. But you clearly had no trouble keeping things on a purely friendly basis,” Patrick muttered, embarrassed and ashamed. “I’m not complaining. I just need to know what’s different about me now, what’s… wrong with me.”

Kevin rubbed his temples and said, “Patrick, you’ve been through a horrible trauma. You’re recovering from serious injuries. You were raped. What kind of human being would I be if I jumped your bones at this time? You really believe I’m no longer attracted to you?”

“It’s not just you. It’s Richie too. I feel like I’m a leper or something.” Patrick struggled to keep his voice steady.

Kevin wondered where all this was coming from, whether everyone had been treating Patrick differently or if Patrick was building up this false idea from the inside.

“Patrick, I can’t speak for anybody else, and I really think you need to talk to Richie especially and flat-out ask him why he can’t talk to you about what you’ve been through. As for me, my entire relationship with you is complicated. You left me, remember? I admit I gave you some ‘cause to leave, but I begged you to try to trust me. You chose not to. Does that affect the way I physically react to you? Of course it does. I don’t know if you ever loved me. It felt like love until it was so easy for you to move your boxes and yourself out of my life. You know I still love you. I’ve told you as much. But I’ve gotta protect myself too. Yeah, I’m attracted to you, as much as ever. If anything, the attack made me more considerate and… nice than I honestly feel like being to you. So excuse me if I don’t throw myself at you and risk getting hurt again!” Kevin stopped himself, realizing how he sounded.

“Oh, God,” he continued. “I’m sorry.”

Patrick looked at Kevin cautiously and asked, “Did you mean it? You’re still attracted to me?”

“Yes, you self-absorbed arsehole,” Kevin said, exasperated, but chuckling.

“Thank you,” Patrick said with a smile.

“For what?” Kevin asked.

“For being honest. For being yourself. It’s a relief,” Patrick admitted. “But maybe I should go back to Dom’s place, let him play nursemaid for a week or so. You’ve done most of the hard work, and I’m becoming more mobile and independent.”

“That’s up to you, but don’t go on my behalf,” Kevin said. “I’ve loved having you here. I’ve never really taken care of someone like this before. I like it. And I like the company.”

Patrick grew quiet. Then he said, “I don’t know how I feel about being raped. Even the word seems wrong to me, like I’m not a woman, it shouldn’t be called that. Which I know is stupid. And I wonder why I couldn’t fight Chris off. I go to the gym. I’m young and healthy. It seemed so easy for him. And I should have shut all his come-ons down a lot earlier. All my newfound openness to one-night stands and democratic sex led to this?”

“You can’t think that anything you did caused this to happen. Chris decided to take all your choices away from you. He decided to violently attack you. Why? Because he’s a criminal. That’s what you call people who beat and rape and dash heads against concrete. That’s the only reason this happened. The only part you had in it was being your sweet, beautiful self, who deserves good things and kindness and consensual, loving sex,” Kevin said passionately.

Patrick’s breathing became ragged, and then he started crying softly. Kevin reached over and hugged him, rubbing his back as Patrick let out his pent-up fears, anger and pain.

After a while, Patrick pulled away slowly and laughed as he rubbed Kevin’s shirt at the shoulder. “I totally soaked your poor shirt,” Patrick said.

“It’s just a bit of salt water. I’ve had worse,” Kevin said.

“I did love you, you know. What you thought looked like love… was love. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you that when we met up at the cafe. But sometimes love isn’t enough. Or maybe it’s too much. I couldn’t deal with it. I felt like I was getting all caught up in you when I still didn’t know who I was,” Patrick said quietly.

“And now?” Kevin asked cautiously.

“Now I’m just confused and sad. But also still very attracted to you. And to Richie. I feel like I love you both. So maybe I shouldn’t be with anybody right now. It wouldn’t be fair to either of you,” Patrick said.

“You shouldn’t have to be worried about that right now, Patrick,” Kevin told him. “Just concentrate on getting better.”

“I think I might have to go back to Dom’s place to do that,” Patrick said. “I’m not closing the door on us. That is, if you’re willing to try again. But when I’m with you, it’s all I can think about. I need some time to myself.”

“Patrick, don’t isolate yourself. That’ll just make the depression worse,” Kevin pled.

“I won’t. You guys won’t let me anyway. Kevin, thank you so much for everything. You’ve been so great and I’ll never be able to pay you back,” Patrick said earnestly.

Kevin smiled a bit sadly and said, “I was never looking to be paid back. If you feel like I’m making things complicated for you, I’ll understand if you want to move back to Dom’s. Just don’t cut me out of your life again. I’m worried about you and I need to know how you’re doing.”

“I won’t, I promise. I’m not saying I don’t want to see you again. I just need to have a little space so I can figure out what I want. No, not just that. I have to figure out what’s right,” Patrick said with some difficulty.

“What’s right for you?” Kevin asked.

“For everybody,” Patrick responded.

With Dom and Agustine’s help, Patrick moved back to Dom’s spare bedroom. It was easy, mostly involving clothes and medications and Patrick himself, who was getting around much more easily due to physical therapy and the passage of time. Kevin and Patrick’s parting was more difficult. Kevin was particularly melancholy, but Patrick also felt sadness about leaving, having become used to Kevin’s care and company. He didn’t really want to leave, but sensed he needed to before anything more serious happened between them. Patrick’s romantic confusion was only adding to his depressed state of mind.

At Dom’s apartment, the three men shared a pizza and beer. Diet Coke for Patrick who was still on a lowered dose of painkillers.

“What’s going on, Paddy?” Dom asked, taking a bite of pizza. “Kevin seemed to be doing a great job taking care of you.”

“Yeah, he was. He was amazing and so selfless. Which was kind of weird ‘cause he’s always been sort of self-absorbed,” Patrick responded.

“Pot, kettle,” Agustine added.

Patrick chuckled. “I know, I know. I’m one to talk. And I would have felt guilty if he didn’t seem to be enjoying himself. He made the whole situation so easy.”

“So why the fuck are you back here with me?” Dom asked. “I can guarantee you I am unable and unwilling to babysit you like that.”

“I don’t need babysitting anymore. I’m practically well,” Patrick insisted. “Things were getting kind of intense between us. He never tried anything with me, but I was beginning to wish he would.”

“I’ll ask again. So why are you here?” Dom asked, flustered.

“I don’t know what I want. But I do know I can’t hurt Kevin again. And I don’t want to hurt Richie,” Patrick said. “My brain isn’t unscrambled enough yet to take this situation on. So I had to remove myself from the situation.”

“Wow, that sounds sort of mature,” Agustine said. “I’m not sure what to do with this new Patrick. I was almost hoping for some drama.”

“Don’t worry, dude. I’ll always be a drama queen for you,” Patrick said with a smile. “But I just have to figure some things out.”

“You think you want to get back together with Kevin?” Dom asked. “‘Cause I used to hate that idea. But I’ve seen the way he reacted to the attack. He convinced me that he really loves you. I don’t even think he’s expecting anything back from you.”

“I know. I almost wish he wanted something in return. It would be easier for me to understand,” Patrick said, looking closely at his hands. “My self-esteem is not at its highest right now, but even the old Patrick would be confused by this new Kevin. I sometimes wonder if he feels pity for me.”

Dom got up for another beer and said, “Can’t you just accept that he’s willing to do anything for you because he loves you? And that includes, obviously, letting you distance yourself from him. I don’t know, but this seems a bit cruel.”

“Come on, Dom. You’re talking about Kevin like he’s a saint. Don’t you remember, this is the same guy that just last year cheated on his long-term boyfriend with one of his employees and then, when Patrick moved in with him, wanted an open relationship,” Agustine said.

“It’s not that simple,” Patrick said. “I probably made it seem that cut-and-dried, but to be honest, he told me in many ways that he would change if it would help us stay together. I was the one who didn’t even want to try.”

Agustine said, “A guy who cheats like that can’t change. He may want to, but I don’t believe it would have stuck. You’re better off with Richie.”

Patrick went quiet at the mention of Richie’s name. He was having more and more problems talking to Richie on the phone every day. Patrick felt he didn’t have anything new to tell him, and their communication problems made it difficult for them to talk about more important issues. Plus, the physical distance was beginning to affect both of them. That was one of the reasons Patrick wanted to move out of Kevin’s condo, though he hadn’t admitted to it. Being constantly around Kevin increased Patrick’s attraction to the man, and the situation seemed somehow unfair to Richie, which was in itself a nearly ridiculous idea. This wasn’t a contest for Patrick’s affections.

Agustine looked carefully at his friend’s face. Patrick’s silence was a bit disturbing. “You’re still planning on getting back together with Richie, right?”

Dom interrupted with, “Agustine, come on. Things have changed so much since your wedding night. Patrick can’t be expected to stick to some agreement made back then.”

Patrick sighed. “I’m not getting together with anyone right now. So don’t worry. I’m just concentrating on getting better so I can get back to my life and my new job. That’s all I’m thinking about now.”


	7. Happiness

Kevin was true to his word and kept in touch with Patrick. He called all the time and visited once a week. The two were becoming even better friends, without the added stress of maintaining a sexual relationship. They saw movies together, realizing that they shared the same tastes as long as they stayed away from anything starring Kevin Costner. When he was feeling better, Patrick began sharing his favorite restaurants with Kevin, who then returned the favor. Sometimes they would just watch cheesy reality TV shows while Dom would shake his head in bemused disgust.

Richie’s calls fell off a bit, until he called only once a week, though the conversations were long. Richie was working full time in his truck, which seemed to take off better in Texas than in San Francisco. He was still living with his uncle, but dropped hints that, were he to stay in Texas, he would be able to rent a pretty nice place, much larger and in a better area than was possible in San Francisco. They both avoided any mention of getting back together.

When Chris’ trial finally started, Patrick was allowed to recount the story of the assault from the comfort of Dom’s living room, as Dom recorded him on his iPhone. However, Agustine and Eddie were required in court as eyewitnesses. The trial was very straightforward due to Chris’ guilty plea and his clear remorse. One of his only requests was to be able to see Patrick and apologize to him in person, a request which the judge denied, much to Patrick’s relief. The judge sentenced Chris to five years, which was reduced to a year in prison, with probation following due to his lack of a criminal past. Patrick’s friends, especially Agustine, felt like this was a relative slap on the wrist for such a horrible crime, but Patrick just wanted the whole thing to be over.

The months passed, and the “deadline” Patrick and Richie had set for Richie’s return was approaching. Richie made it clear that he was not involved with anyone in Texas and was willing to come back to San Francisco, if Patrick asked him. Patrick had been thinking hard about their relationship and realized they couldn’t go further unless Richie could tell Patrick why he couldn’t talk about the assault. For this conversation Patrick needed visual as well as audio, so he FaceTimed Richie on a Saturday night when Dom was out.

Richie answered the phone, and Patrick felt the same attraction he always felt when he saw Richie’s handsome face. And the same affection.

“Hey, Pato,” Richie said with a smile. “You’re looking so good. And your hair’s getting long. You might need another cut. How are you?”  
Patrick answered, “I’m fine. Just saw the doctor yesterday, and she gave me two thumbs up. I had another scan and the fracture healed well and everything looks good. Speaking of looking good, it’s nice to see you too, Richie.”

“Well, Texas has been good to me. The pace suits me,” Richie said. “What’s up, Pato? You look like you’re nervous.”

“I am, totally,” Patrick said and chuckled. “I need to have a serious conversation with you, and I’m not sure if we’re ready for it.”

“You want to ask me a question?” Richie said calmly. “We’ve needed to talk for months now. Ready or not, it’s time.”

“Yeah,” Patrick said, and wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans. “First I want to tell you that I do love you. I’ve never met a person like you before, someone so genuinely decent and good and so true to himself.”

“Now you got me nervous,” Richie said. “I love you too, Patrick. And I’m not near perfect, but you can ask anything you want, and I’ll answer the best I can.”

“Richie, why can’t you talk about the fact that I was raped and beaten?” Patrick got right to the point.

Richie took a moment to think, then answered, “I’ve been asking myself that for the past five months. The only thing I can think of is that I have an old-fashioned sense of protectiveness, and I was feeling so bad that I wasn’t able to protect you and I couldn’t even do much to help you recover. I couldn’t stand that this happened to you. And I felt guilty and confused that I couldn’t protect you.”

Patrick nodded. “I thought it was something like that. But you weren’t even in the same state when it happened. And I’m hardly a child or a damsel in distress. I’ve never expected you to take care of me, Richie.”

“I know, I know,” Richie said, sounding exasperated. “It was all me. It’s what I expected from myself. I was so angry that something that awful could happen to someone I loved. And I did not understand why it happened.”

Patrick looked confused. “You mean, happened in a cosmic sense? Like how could this happen?”

“I guess,” Richie shrugged. “But I’ve realized that I was a bit angry at you as well.”

”Me?” Patrick asked. “What do you mean?”

“Don’t get upset, but I think I was angry that you were out with somebody just a week after I left,” Richie admitted.

“Did you say out with somebody?” Patrick answered in shock. “Is that what you think that night was about?”

Richie responded, “Agustine told me how he set you up with Chris. He said you two were getting pretty close at The Stud.”

Patrick closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. “That’s just so wrong, Richie. First of all, I was set up without my knowledge. As far as I knew, I was just out with friends. And second of all, we decided to not be exclusive. How could you be angry about that?”

“Patrick, I’m sorry. I didn’t say I had a right to be angry. I just was. I thought I should come clean about it,” Richie said.

“Richie, do you think I did anything to… confuse Chris? Do you think I deserved this?” Patrick said with tears in his eyes.

Richie leaned forward towards his phone. “Pato, of course not! I told you, I’m not proud of my anger. I was just jealous. And I learned I can only have an exclusive relationship. The idea of you with anybody else upset me.”

Patrick sniffled and wiped his tears away. “Because, I mean, I danced with Chris, but I never gave him the idea that I wanted anything more from him. I’ve thought about this a lot, and I’m sure I didn’t give him the wrong impression.” Patrick felt himself veer close to hysteria.

“Pato, shh. Just take a breath. I would never think you asked to be beaten and raped. That’s crazy. Why do you think I didn’t tell you I was angry at you until now? It’s because I was ashamed.”

Patrick calmed himself and said, “What’s wrong with us, that we can’t be honest with each other about our feelings? All these months, I’ve never sensed that I could talk to you about what happened to me. I wasn’t sure why, and when I was depressed I convinced myself that you found me somehow disgusting now because of the rape. That didn’t sound like you, but I couldn’t make any sense of what I was feeling from you.”

“You will always be the most sweet, innocent man I’ve ever known, Pato. Nothing will ever change that,” Richie said earnestly. “But I’m not sure if we’re the right guy for each other.”

“Why?” Patrick started crying again.

“I’m going to stay here in Texas for a while. The truck is doing really well. I’m reconnecting with family,” Richie said. “Patrick, maybe our time has passed. I will always love you, baby. I swear. But I don’t think it’s our time anymore. Do you?”

Patrick paused, then said, “No, I don’t. I’m upset, but I came to the same conclusion.” He chuckled ruefully. “I love you too. Always will too. But you’re right. It’s not the same.”

“Are you okay, Pato?” Richie asked.

“No. I’m very sad. Are you okay?” Patrick asked back.

“I will be. And so will you. One thing I learned in the last half a year— you’re stronger than I thought you were,” Richie said. “I’m impressed.”

Patrick smiled weakly. “You mean it? If I could impress someone as honest and amazing as you, I’d be happy.”

“Patrick, all I want is for you to be happy. And, well, I think that you could be happy with Kevin,” Richie admitted.

“What?” Patrick asked in shock.

“I know, I know,” Richie said with a laugh. “But I feel like I got to know him pretty well over the past months. And I hate to admit it, but he’s a good dude. And he really loves you, Pato.”

“I know,” Patrick said.

“I guess you need to figure out how you feel about him. Then you gotta tell him,” Richie said simply.

Patrick smiled and said, “You always know what to do.” Then he grew serious. “Richie, keep in touch, okay? I still need you in my life.”

“Just try to get rid of me,” Richie said with a grin. “Good night, Pato.”

Patrick knew this was just an easier way of saying good-bye. “Good night, Richie.”

Kevin had taken an administrative job with MDG, and though Patrick occasionally received an e-mail from his ex-boss/ex-boyfriend, the two rarely saw each other at work. However, they often spoke on the phone or e-mailed long, funny, easygoing letters to each other. Patrick decided it was time to have an important conversation with Kevin. He called and asked if he could come over, promising to bring over Thai food. Kevin, though a bit confused, readily agreed.

Patrick spent the afternoon before the dinner mentally preparing himself as best as he could. He sat in Dom’s guest room and thought long and hard about what he wanted, about what was best for himself and for Kevin, and what was possible. After all that, he felt calmer, but no more certain. He was worried that his nervousness would bring out Patrick 1.0, and couldn’t let that happen.

Then he dressed in his most grown-up looking sweater and his best pair of jeans. He didn’t want to appear too eager, yet he wanted to look good for Kevin.

He picked up Pad Thai and Panang Curry and drove it to Kevin’s apartment. Patrick managed to find a parking spot on the street, even though Kevin offered a spot in his parking garage. Patrick wanted to avoid that area completely tonight.

Patrick stood in front of the entrance door, bags of food in hand, and took a few deep breaths before ringing the buzzer. Kevin came down after a minute, let him in, taking a bag and heading to the elevator together. They exchanged pleasantries, with Kevin, as usual, asking after Patrick’s health in detail. They made it to the apartment without any serious discussions.

Dinner was pleasant and quick. Kevin knew that Patrick had something important to discuss with him. He just knew Patrick well enough that he could tell. He had hopes for what the subject would be, but refused to dwell on it. They talked about Agustine and Eddie, Dom and Doris, the chicken stand, Patrick’s family, Kevin’s new job, Patrick’s new job and Owen. They laughed and found themselves very relaxed, helped by some red wine.

The two men cleaned up the dining table together, then washed and dried a few dishes. Suddenly they found themselves without anything more that they had to do, and Patrick knew it was finally time to talk.

“I really need to talk to you, Kevin. Can we go sit in the living room?” Patrick asked.

“Sure, Patrick. You want some more wine to take out there?” Kevin said.

“Um, that might be a good idea. But only one more glass because I’ve become a lightweight after not drinking for so long.” Patrick smiled.

They took their glasses into the living room and sat at opposite ends of the sofa.

Kevin took a sip and casually asked, “What’s up?”

Patrick looked down at his wine glass and carefully put it down on the coffee table. He looked shyly up at Kevin. “This is really not easy for me. I mean, it’s easy for me to just spew out everything I’m thinking about, but it’s hard for me to organize my thoughts and maturely express my feelings,” he began.

Kevin felt instant affection and humor at this awkward start, but schooled his features into seriousness.

“As you know, I’ve been through a truly life-changing experience over the past six months. You’ve been so amazing. Understanding, helpful, compassionate, and never asking for anything I wasn’t able to give. I know you’ve been through a lot lately too. Breaking up with Jon, starting a new job. Wow. It’s just been a crazy time.” Patrick took a quick sip of wine.

Kevin said, “Mm-hmm. Go on.”

“Well, um, I wanted to tell you that Richie and I are through. We agreed to just be friends. Long-distance friends, actually, because he’s staying in Texas. Oh, not that that was the reason we’re not giving our relationship another shot. We’d both decided it wasn’t going to work before he told me he wasn’t coming back to San Francisco,” Patrick said, starting to sweat a little.

“That’s very grown-up of both of you,” Kevin said.

“Yeah,” Patrick agreed cautiously. “Things had changed. We had changed. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. We just didn’t connect anymore. And we both knew it.”

“Sounds like you both ended it very amicably,” Kevin noted.

“Yeah. Amicably. Uh, it was painful, but… yes, amicable,” Patrick muttered. “Richie even told me that he just wanted me to be happy.”

Kevin said “Well, you always did say he was a really good man. Sounds like what a good man would want.”

“Yeah.” Patrick remained silent, staring over Kevin’s shoulder for a minute.

He continued, “Kevin, I know a lot of time has passed. I also know we haven’t really solved any of the conflicts we had with each other. I mean, I don’t even know if you’re still interested. I’m not sure how you feel about me anymore. But…”

“But?” Kevin asked with no sense of urgency.

“But… regardless of how you feel, uh, about me, I need to tell you how I feel about you,” Patrick said nervously.

Kevin remained silent and calm-looking.

“Kevin, I love you. And I want to be with you. Always. I want a monogamous, dedicated, love-of-a-lifetime relationship with you. I want you, even if you’re not sure you want to be or can be monogamous yourself. I want you even if you eventually cheat on me with some masseur or gym buddy. I want to grow old with you, but even if I just grow middle-aged with you, that would be enough for me. Because you’re beautiful, funny, sweet, smart, lovable and the sexiest beast I’ve ever met.”

Patrick felt himself tear up, and cursed himself inwardly.

He looked at Kevin and saw that he was having a similar problem.

“Will you say something?” Patrick practically begged.

“Patrick, do you know how long I’ve waited to hear you say that? And you wanted to know how I feel about you now? The same way I felt when you lived here for two weeks, recovering. And the same way I felt when we were having an affair. And when we decided we’d live together. But yeah, I’ve changed too. I love you even more, because in the past six months I’ve seen you go through a horrible thing and come out stronger, yet still as sweet and full of love. I’ve longed for you with no sense that you would ever feel that way about me again. But I love you so much, I was happy to have you in my life in any way. Yes, Patrick, I want to be with you forever. I want to kiss you, take care of you, fuck you every day for the rest of my life. And if that’s what you want too, then my dreams have come true.”

Patrick was crying openly now and he didn’t care. He was also smiling.

Kevin continued, “And I promise to be monogamous. I won’t promise to try. I will just do it, because I know if I cheated on you, it would hurt you. And you don’t deserve to be hurt ever again. So… if it’s okay with you, I would like to start our new life in our bedroom.”

“Our bedroom?” Patrick asked with a grin. “It’s still ours?”

“It never stopped being ours,” Kevin said. “And I plan on ravishing you completely, slowly, thoroughly. I want you to relax and let me do everything I’ve been wanting to do to you for the past year. We’re going to erase any bad feelings connected to sex you may still have, because I’m going to fuck the bad memories out of you. Are you ready?” Kevin said.

“Oh, my God. I’m so ready,” Patrick answered, though he was honestly a bit nervous.

Kevin took Patrick’s hand in his and led him to the main bedroom. He gently moved in for a kiss, close mouthed at first, then deeper and deeper until they were both drinking deeply of each other, tongues battling. Kevin took Patrick’s head in his hand and maneuvered him exactly where he wanted him and he devoured his mouth.

They finally drew apart for a breath. Patrick laughed a bit breathlessly and said, “I forgot how much I love kissing you.”

“I didn’t forget,” Kevin said, smiling. “Now get your clothes off and let’s get into our spectacular sleep number bed.”

Patrick laughed harder as he pulled his sweater off. “I need you naked now,” he told Kevin.

They both crawled into bed together, kissing the entire time. Kevin wanted to take things slowly, but the excitement after all this time was creating its own momentum, and Patrick seemed just as desperate.

“Oh, by the way, I love you,” Kevin breathed out between kisses. “And I want you so badly. I’ve missed you so much.”

Kevin kissed his way down Patrick’s body, giving special attention to both nipples, his belly button and then chastely kissing the tip of his erect penis.

“Oh, God!” Patrick shouted. “Don’t fucking tease me!”

“How about I tease you and fuck you?” Kevin said and then swallowed Patrick whole. He gently sucked and slid up and down, licking the slit.

Patrick threw his head back and began panting and moaning. “Oh, shit, Kevin. You feel so good. Please, I need more.”

Kevin grinned around Patrick’s penis, gave it one more kiss and then began moving lower. “Are you okay with this?” Kevin asked.

“I happen to be fresh as a mountain stream,” Patrick panted. “Oh, fuck, please do it.”

And Kevin, not one to deny his boyfriend anything, kissed down past Patrick’s balls and lifting one of Patrick’s legs, kissed his small opening. First just soft kisses, then when Patrick began begging and making the most wonderful noises, pulled his ass cheeks apart and licked and stroked deeply with his talented tongue. He felt the tissue soften with each thrust of his tongue and started flicking the spasming hole with the tip of his tongue.

Patrick was practically hyperventilating and couldn’t help but squirm around. His hips began thrusting back onto Kevin’s tongue and mouth, trying to get him deeper inside. “Ah, fuck, Kevin! Please, I’m gonna come if you keep doing that. Feels so fucking good.”

“Go ahead,” Kevin said, so turned on he didn’t care if he actually got to fuck Patrick tonight. His cock was rock hard and rubbing against the sheets. Just hearing Patrick’s moans and knowing that he was causing him to make those sounds was driving him towards his own peak.

“No, no. I want your cock inside me. I need to feel that. Please,” Patrick begged.

Kevin’s arousal rose up a notch at Patrick’s words. He sucked at the now-relaxed hole one more time and then began moving up Patrick’s body. Kevin reached into the side table drawer and pulled out a condom and a bottle of lube. He quickly slipped the condom on his cock and applied some lube to his fingers. He then gently probed at Patrick’s sweet opening, stretching slowly and carefully, looking carefully at Patrick’s face for any sign of discomfort, pain or hesitation. What he saw took his breath away.

Patrick’s head was lolling on the pillow, his eyes closed, his mouth open and panting. The look on his face could be mistaken for pain, but was clearly extreme arousal and a little bit of impatience.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this, baby?” Kevin asked as he lined himself up to enter Patrick.

“Oh, God, I can’t believe you’re asking that. But I love you for asking. I’m so okay. And you can stop treating me like I’m fragile. You’re so hot and you’re driving me crazy. Please fuck me, Kevin,” Patrick said.

Kevin didn’t have to be told twice. But he was still careful as he entered Patrick, who was so tight after not having sex for six months. It seemed to take forever to breach the first ring of muscle, and the tension was almost unbearable for Kevin. He didn’t want to hurt Patrick, but he wanted to thrust so much.

Finally, he broke through, and they both groaned loudly. Kevin held still, trying to control himself. Patrick’s ass felt so good, so tight, so hot. He could feel the spasms rolling through Patrick and felt his cock being squeezed. It was almost too much.

“Fucking hell, Patrick. God, you feel so amazing,” Kevin grunted out. “I’m gonna move now. Okay? I gotta move.”

“Please, please,” Patrick begged. “Deep and hard. I need to feel you.”

Kevin began thrusting, slow but deep, letting Patrick adjust to the friction. He felt like Patrick’s passage was made just for his cock, they fit so well together. Before long, he couldn’t hold back anymore and began thrusting hard and fast. He lifted Patrick’s leg up higher so he could get deeper. He tried for different angles, and when Patrick jerked and shouted out in pure pleasure, he knew he found the little hidden gland deep inside him. Kevin felt like he was going to explode. He thrust harder and harder, aiming for that spot. Patrick’s moans were coming constantly now, and he almost sounded like he was crying, he was so desperate to orgasm.

“Oh, God, please, please. Fuck me, fuck me. I’m gonna come,” Patrick said.

Kevin’s body took over and he was soon pounding into Patrick, no longer worried about hurting him. Kevin felt his orgasm approaching quickly. He reached down and wrapped his hand around Patrick’s straining cock.

Patrick felt Kevin’s penis hitting his prostate over and over again, rubbing it, drawing him closer and closer to climax. When Kevin grabbed Patrick’s cock and stroked it, he felt the searing pleasure on his cock and deep in his ass. It was too much and then he was coming, so hard. His back arched and his entire body shook. Kevin continued thrusting into him, riding out the spasms in Patrick’s rectum. And then he was coming too, literally having the cum squeezed out of him by Patrick’s ass.

They both shook and panted, and then they were kissing deeply and frantically, still connected. It took a while before their breathing evened out and slowed. Kevin scattered kisses all over Patrick’s beautiful face and lips. He tasted tears on Patrick’s cheek and worried for a second.

“Are you okay? Was it okay?” Kevin asked.

Patrick looked at him disbelievingly. “Are you crazy? Didn’t you see how I came? I’ve never come so hard in my life. Am I okay? God, I’m fantastic. You are amazing. Why did I live without that for a year? I’m insane!”

“It was good, huh?” Kevin asked, clearly proud of himself.

“So good. So sexy. You are perfect. I love you so much. When can we do that again?” Patrick sputtered out.

Kevin laughed, feeling happier and more lighthearted than he had in over a year. “I think we need to recover for a while first. And maybe clean up.”

He carefully pulled out of Patrick and then disposed of the used condom in the bathroom. When he returned, he had a wet towel which he used to clean both of them up.

They snuggled under the covers and Patrick lay his head on Kevin’s shoulder, wrapping one arm around his chest.

“Thank you,” Patrick said quietly. “For loving me. Also for, you know, making love to me. I feel loved and I feel worthy of love right now.”

“You’ve always been worthy of love, Patrick. Nothing that happens will ever change that. And no one can take that away from you either,” Kevin said.

Wrapped in Kevin’s arms, feeling satiated and safe, Patrick finally believed that.


End file.
